When to Call It Quits

Everyone’s experienced loss in one form or another. Lose a family member, a friend, a pet, a toy up your ass. It’s a nightmare! Some may even call it traumatic! Losing someone from death or just relational circumstances can be devastating. And sometimes we have to be the catalyst for that loss. Whether it’s our fault or something else, it affects us quite deeply. But it’s important to know that it’s for the better.

I recently experienced a form of loss this month.

When I worked in a non-profit, I became really close to a colleague named Gabe, a white heterosexual male. Shocking, I know. Not the usual crowd I hang out with, but he’s one of the good ones. You ever have a work wifey/hubby where you both vibe so well and share common workplace grievances? That was me and Gabe. Joined at the hip. There was a point where the running joke of the office was how miserable one of us would be if the other one didn’t come in to work. Just imagine how awful sick days became. If you have a work spouse, then you know just how aggravating it can be when you have to get through the day without them. Not to be dramatic, but I literally wanted to die.

Gabe and I would talk for hours on end about the most random things when we’re off work, We would mock the Toronto accent — which is not a real thing! Shut up and speak properly! — and just talk to each other like that all day long.

“Are you good, fam?”

“Nnnyyyyeaaahhhheehhhh.”

On a long car ride to a work retreat, we talked about our most controversial fast food takes. I’m going to die on this hill and say that Starbucks actually ruined coffee. Fight me in the inbox, but you know I’m right. His hot take was McDonald’s burgers are actually shit. And you know what? He’s right. Everyone is sleeping on Burger King and A&W. Wake up, people!

All this to say that there is a strong bond between us, and I thought we would be the best of friends even after we parted ways when I left that organization.

Last month was his birthday, and after months of not talking to each other because life just got in the way, I decided to hit him up to see if he would like to reconnect and have a small birthday celebration. Everything seemed to go smoothly. We had set a date to meet on a Saturday and have lunch. When Saturday came, I messaged him to confirm if we’re still meeting.

Two blue check marks.

No reply.

Okay, he read it, but why isn’t he getting back to me? So a few hours later, I decided to try again.

“hey, are we still meeting up today?”

Two blue check marks.

No reply.

At that point, I just took the hint that he may have been busy that day, so we’ll just try another day. So I texted him the day after.

“hey what’s going on? are you okay?”

Two blue check marks.

No reply.

What the hell is going on? I can see him checking my stories, playing games on Steam, and replying to Facebook posts, but he doesn’t have the time to reply back to what I assumed is his close friend?

I let three days pass just to get my head straight and process my abandonment issues before I tried one final time.

“you good, fam?”

Two blue check marks.

No reply.

Getting ghosted really does suck but especially when it happens from a person that you care about. That’s when it sucks times like a billion. So I threw myself a pity party and listened to Un-Break My Heart by Toni Braxton while I stared longingly out a window while it rained.

I’m replaying the entire friendship in my head to pinpoint where everything went wrong. I can’t find a single reason. I still think about what I did to merit a ghosting from someone I care about. But I also have to remember that being ghosted is not a reflection of my self-worth. If anything it is a reflection on them. They felt too unsafe or cowardly to voice their concern in the relationship. I also had to come to terms with the possibility that this is just his way of saying he no longer wants to be friends and wants to call it quits. If that is his stance, I wish he could have saved me the emotional turmoil and just told me about it. The most painful part of being ghosted by a close friend is the lack of closure. It feels like an unfinished book and the book just gets lost in the back shelf collecting dust. There’s no finality to it and it makes it feel like there’s that lingering possibility of a friendship to come back, but deep down you know it’s not going to happen.

I’m a fan of matching energies. If Gabe no longer wants to be in this friendship, then so be it. I am not the kind of gal to come chasing after a man no matter what kind of connection we have. I deserve peace in my life even if that means losing a friend and closing this unfinished chapter. We owe it to ourselves to know when to quit, to know when something no longer serves us, to discern when a situation drains us. Sex, love, dating, friendships; these are all things that are supposed to bring us joy. These connections make life whole. And the sad truth is that sometimes these connections have an expiration date. You wouldn’t consume a rotting banana, right? You’d get sick and you’ll be shitting green for a week. Why do that with your failing connections?

Loss is hard to process and we all process it differently. Whether you had to break up with someone or someone had to break up with you, the wound stings just as bad. Lick your wounds and mourn your loss. Give yourself grace to know that a connection that no longer serves you is not in your life anymore. And be patient with yourself as you learn to unpack the emotions that come with losing someone. I can forgive Gabe for ghosting me because forgiveness is for myself. But I need to forgive him because I want him to forgive me. I’m not sure what I did, Gabe, but I’m sorry. Know that your friendship meant a lot to me, and I’ll be thinking about you every time you creep my Instagram stories wondering if we’ll ever be friends again. I leave my door open for you, but I have to let go of the hope that you’ll come back. I can only wish you well.