Another Year Older Does Not Mean Maturer

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while then you know that I went through a very devastating heartbreak two years ago. Traumatizing might be more accurate but I feel that the TikTok culture has minimized the gravity of what that word truly means. In any case, that was a heartbreak that changed me on a molecular level and it will stay with me forever.

For context, that relationship lasted for four months and he abandoned me without any reason. He texted me a week after my birthday to say, “I don’t think this is working. I’m sorry.” Luckily, that relationship was a polycule so his girlfriend and I stayed friends. Last week, she contacted me to say hi and catch up. At first, I wasn’t sure how I would react to seeing her because of the nature of our relationship. We both shared an awful experience with a horrible man. Does that make us trauma sisters? Was this a trauma bond? Would seeing her trigger something in me? I held absolutely no ill will towards her, but still, I had my reservations.

She invited me for pedicures and chocolate. If you haven’t had pedicures and chocolates with your girlfriend, then you need to make these plans immediately. I got to the nail salon thinking I was in there a little early, but she surprised me by approaching me from behind. I did not expect to have such a positive reaction, so I came in for a hug. It was one of the warmest and most familiar hugs I’ve ever felt. It was a hug that was empathetic, welcoming, and safe.

As we sat down in our pedicure chairs, we immediately started yapping and playing catch up with all of what’s happened in our lives since we last saw each other two years ago. I talked on and on about the events that happened after the breakup, my surgery, remission from diabetes, my pole dancing career, and this overall feeling of wellness within myself. When it was her turn to speak, I knew that she wanted to keep our mutual enemy out of conversation as did I because he’s quite literally dead to me. But because of the nature of our friendship, he became an unavoidable subject.

When she started talking about him, she described how he’s not in good shape right now. I’ll get to that in a sec, but do you know how good that feels to hear? I know it’s a shitty thing to say, but fuck it, I’m a vindictive cunt. I love it when people who have wronged me suffer. It brings me nothing but joy to know that he’s not doing so well. The word for that is schadenfreude. It’s a German word that means “happiness at the misfortune of others.” Which is very German. Take a listen to this banger of a song from my favourite musical, Avenue Q.

So here’s the tea. She told me that shortly after he dumped me, he told her that “this isn’t working.” So instead of sharing the same bed and working things out through couples therapy, they have now split the home in two spaces. He isn’t able to make plans with her because apparently it’s expecting too much of him. Okay…? Then she tells me how he’s been performing poorly at work. He’s the chief data officer of a big insurance company, so he’s already doubly evil. Cough — deny, defend, depose — cough. He was given more responsibility at work which he could not meet. This led to his constant underperformance during his annual reviews which affected his mental health. This leads to his ADHD diagnosis and illegally takes someone’s Adderall. Loving this so far. Then she tells me how he’s on long-term disability because of his deteriorating mental health. He sleeps in all day until 5pm, and then does nothing but stream on Twitch for the time he’s awake. When he’s not doing that, he spends all of his time on Sniffies looking for someone desperate enough to top his ugly ass. All this to say that he’s pretty pathetic.

Now I know shaming goes against everything I stand for as a sex educator. When I’m educating I am all for freedom of sexual exploration and expression. She arranged for him to be a cum dump, for fuck’s sake. By all means, go get your loads in. But when you go about proselytizing about emotional maturity and consented condomless sex, both of which he did not exhibit according to her, which, if I’m not mistaken can be categorized as a form of assault, then you can absolutely go fuck yourself. I don’t care if I’m an educator. I’m someone who holds anger close to his heart as a defence mechanism. I will neither forgive nor forget if it keeps me safe and makes me feel good about myself.

Listen, I can’t help but feel ecstasy and euphoria at the sound of someone living a pathetic life especially if that someone is a grown man dragging around a fifty-year-old umbilical cord. If you are spending your waking hours dedicated to just sex because you’re trying to play catch-up with your childhood which never permitted you to explore your sexuality and people’s emotions and wellbeing are the toll, there is a special place in hell for you. I will hold hatred in my heart for you and hope you suffer. Your trauma and suffering should not include others. Handle it on your own without casualties. It is so despicable for someone to treat others as expendable all for the sake of exploration and avoidance. You’re a nasty person and you deserve this pathetic life.

After she told me her story and what he’s going through, she gave me the nugget of wisdom that I’ll carry with me forever. She said, “You can either see them as people or patterns.”

People or patterns.

I’m able to see the person, but if the patterns (a.k.a., red flags) seem to be the prevalent theme, I’m much more cognizant and quickly make my exit plan. Is this a trauma response and explains why I’m single? Probably. But I see it as a gift, the ability to catch someone’s bullshit because I know it doesn’t align with my values.

Retrospect is a gift. Enough time has passed from that relationship and I can look back and see the resilient version of me that recovered from that trauma. In a way, I’m thankful it happened because it made me stronger. I’m much happier when I’m focused on myself and can catch immaturity from a mile away. I can see that in myself too allowing me to correct those negative behaviours and continue to work on improving myself. Some are not as fortunate or as aware. You may be thinking if I’m so aware, then why aren’t I more empathetic towards his situation? Like I said, I don’t have to forgive or forget what he did if it makes me feel good. I can forgive myself for making mistakes in that relationship, but I do that for me. I don’t owe him shit. I don’t even wish him well this holiday season. In fact, I hope he does have a miserable time. I’ll even drop his name below.

Bryant Vernon, I hope you’re having the worst time of your life right now. Thanks for putting me through the most awful experience of my life, and I hope you never recover from the trauma you’re going through now. I am happy that you’re suffering and I am so much better off now that you’re not in my life. May you never find peace, and may your death be slow and painful. You have caused enough harm to so many people whether its through your professional endeavours or your personal life. The world would be so much better if you weren’t on it.

Merry Christmas.