Birthday Musings
Today’s my birthday! Everyone say, “Happy birthday, Tim!”
Happy birthday, Tim!
Aww, thanks, guys. You’re the best.
Turning another year older has always forced me to think about the things I’ve accomplished in the past year, which only leads to a long drawn-out panic attack in the year to come. You should try it sometime! The edging is wonderful. It’s not that I want to think about the past year and live in the past, but it has become a sort of tradition that I do for myself. What have I done that I’m proud of? What can I look forward to in the coming year? What’s changed? What stayed the same?
It has been one year since I stopped working a typical 9 - 5. To be completely honest, I have never felt such a strong mixture of relief and anxiety at the same time. I miss the idea of job security and benefits. It paid my bills, my medications, and it provided a roof over my head. The downside? Man, was it soul-sucking! I’m usually a fan of sucking, but the corporate life really drained me. I hated everyone I worked with because I had nothing in common with them and the hours were horrendous. It seemed like I had to be a kiss-ass every single day just to keep up with any goings-on in the workplace. Fuck that, man. I just wanna clock in, do my work, and clock out. Why do I need to do extra credit? If I wanted to feel drained for kissing ass all day long, I’d be in politics. Or go back to sex work.
On the other hand, working for myself and being my own boss has its pros and cons. I certainly feel much happier than when I was in corporate. I feel more fulfilled with my life and more satisfied with my work. Because it’s my work and not someone else’s. I feel happy that I get to show off my pole skills, my podcast episodes, and my abilities as a sexual being. However, the constant hustle of finding work is also a cause of a lot of anxiety. I don’t have job security to rely on anymore. I don’t have benefits. I’m barely scraping by to pay my bills. It feels like I’m constantly looking for work and the work isn’t coming as fast as I want it to. Again, another dilemma that presented itself in escorting. Not coming as fast as I wanted them to.
I also look back at how I’ve changed in terms of my sex and dating habits. Back in my 20s, and I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but did you know that I used to care about what people thought of me? Crazy, right? For someone who’s so unabashed and outspoken about all things hole, I used to care. In my 30s, I have zero time to care about what other people think of me because I’m constantly worried that I left the stove on and I just set my house on fire. This unashamed persona now presents itself in my dating life as someone who sends the first message and just straight up tells men what I want and when I want it. And if they can’t match it? Well, try your best or I’m out. I’m just not compromising parts of who I am to please a man because when is a man going to please me for once?
And the sex I’m having is better than ever. Because I’m no longer pining for men who are so unsure of themselves or who refuse to match my energy. I’m fucking guys who want to be here with me. I’m fucking guys who are just as experienced as me. I’m fucking guys who can keep up with my needs and desires and who know how to communicate what they want effectively. Knowing how to respect my time and energy? Groundbreaking!
I look back and see how much I’ve changed in all aspects of my life — as a pole dancer, as a sex educator, as a sexual being. Change is good because it tells me that I’m capable of growth and maturity. I’m going to keep fucking up and learning from my mistakes, and I’m going to keep getting better. At the very least, I’m going to try to be better. I’m always going to be trash, but at least it’s my trash.
