Should I Stay Friends with a Narcissist?

SelfFriends

Nov 12

Kumusta Tita,

I have a straight friend who is willing to ditch us at the thought of getting his dick wet and leave us for a long time only to come back like nothing ever happened. The longest gap is one and a half years and the shortest is four months. It doesn't sound so bad other than the fact that he lies through his teeth, constantly starting shit with people and trying to make them look bad or one-upping people any chance he can get. We know who the people are that he gets in relationships with as they are typically always a friend of a friend. On multiple instances, he accused them of doing this horrible shit, when in reality it had always been him. He has threatened to kill himself to keep the relationship going, dates girls on the spectrum, makes sure she doesn’t have a lot of friends so it’s easy to cut them off from social circles, and usually, they’ve just turned 18. He’s 23.

We collectively called him out on his BS recently and right after he went on a manic speech saying, “Just block me then, just block me then, easier to kill myself then.” This was the fifth time that we knew he said this shit, all because we didn't take his side when he was openly lying and shit-talking one of our other friends while also trying to make it a popularity contest between him and said friend.

I’m not sure what to do. Any advice?

Sincerely,

Doubtful Friend

Hey Doubtful,

Mama, a narcissist behind you.

I don’t know if you know, but that’s the textbook definition of a narcissist.

The first red flag that you should have seen coming is that he’s straight. We should know better than to befriend the heteros. They are no good do-nothing breeders who feel they can just populate the planet with their straight seed, and I will fight until I see the end of it. I also wanna talk about your use of “it doesn’t sound so bad.” Umm, that is actually really bad. Let’s not minimize the damage of a narcissist. When you start minimizing the harmful effects of a narcissist's actions, it tells them that it’s okay to continue what they’re doing. So let’s not do that!

And I just want to make sure that I’m reading this right, but you said that your friend dates girls who are autistic, socially inept, and JUST TURNED 18?! Look, I may have a reputation for being a disgusting and filthy slut, but your friend is RANCID. I don’t care what the law says about the age of consent, but 18 is a child to me. Your friend is a paedophile. There’s something sinister about men who wait for the stroke of twelve on a 17-year-old’s birthday to make a move. That’s predatory and that alone should warrant you not being friends with him anymore.

I’m not sure how close you are to this narcissist, DF, but that is not someone you should have in your life. However, let me be a nosy little bitch and give you advice to the best of my ability since you asked so nicely and I care for my children.

Let’s say you and your friend are close and have a long history together. That changes things and makes it more difficult to cut him off. I don’t know the extent of your friendship but for this hypothetical situation, I’m going to assume you’re close. Telling a friend about their problematic behaviours is one of the most difficult conversations you’re going to have in your entire life. You’re not sure how they’re going to take it because you love and care for them. On the other hand, if their behaviour is causing you turmoil something has to give.

How do we address our close friends and the damage they’re causing? It’s important that your concerns come from you and how you’re feeling without directly attacking them. State how their actions have been hurting you and avoid name-calling. Save the swears and creative names for your TikTok. Then you can follow it up with pathways to resolution such as giving them the chance to apologize and make amends.

For example, you can say something like, “I don’t like how you said that to me. It made me feel hurt and disrespected, and I would like an apology.”

Notice how this is phrased, DF. It focuses on you and your feelings, it directly points out the action that leads to you feeling that way, and it gives them the choice and the autonomy to make things right. You are responsible for how to handle your emotions, but this also holds them accountable for their actions. What they do with that responsibility is entirely up to them. If they decide to take accountability for it, then great. If not, and it sounds like he hasn’t, then we move on to the next scenario.

Murder.

Kidding, don’t murder. Unless you’re Annalise Keating and know how to get away with it.

If your friend refuses to take accountability for his actions after having made him well aware of the fact, then that’s not a good friend and he needs to be out of your life. Friends are allowed to make mistakes and grow from them, but if that friend refuses to take accountability after knowing what damage he’s done, he’s toxic. As difficult as it may be, you need to leave. Tell him to seek help and recommend a good therapist, then be on your way. You’ll find peace quicker.

Looking back at what you wrote, DF, it looks like he’s threatened suicide after calling him out. And after five times? BFFR. I should stress that I’m not a medical professional and that I speak only from experience, so if you’re not doing so already, take what I say with a grain of salt. After all, how much advice can you trust from a crotchety old crone like me? From what I’ve personally experienced with narcissists, they never go through with their threats of suicide because their grandiose sense of self prevents them from doing so. If they’re dead, who’s going to love them? That’s not to say that they won’t ever do it, but from what I’ve experienced, they won’t follow through.

If any therapists are reading this, please slide in my inbox and tell me how exactly you go about treating someone with NPD. How do you go about treating someone whose personality is so tightly embedded in themselves? How do you change the fundamental characteristics of a person when that characteristic is harmful? And how do you know that the narcissist is taking treatment seriously and not manipulating you to hear what they think you want to hear? Please let me know because I’m genuinely interested.

In any case, DF, it sounds like you’ve got a difficult conversation ahead of you. If you don’t want to have that conversation with your friend, this is the only time where you have my blessing to ghost. I think cutting someone off from your life without an announcement is acceptable if you believe that your life is in danger. For the sake of your peace and well-being, I hope you cut him off.

And if you are the narcissistic paedophile reading this, come to Tita. I can give you all the love and praise in the world babe. I promise to love you forever.