I Don’t Feel Good Enough
Kumusta Tita,
I always tell people I’m fine or it’s okay just having an off day, but today…today is now an off day and I’m not okay and I haven’t been for a while. I put on this facade so people don’t worry about me. I don’t like to make people worry. I’m the person everyone comes to when they feel bad, but right now I feel like a failure, like I haven’t amounted to anything like my life has all been a waste.
I sit and think about what I’ve done and I can’t think of anything and it hurts…I sit here watching my younger sister move through life, she has her dream job, she’s getting married next year, and she has done so much to make people proud of her…but all I have is myself and it hurts. It hurts a lot.
I love my family I know I’m not a disappointment but it feels like I am. I get in my head and tell myself this stuff and I know it’s not true but it definitely feels like it.
How do I feel better about myself?
Sincerely,
Impostor Syndrome
Hey Impostor,
Okay, wow. Way to give Tita the heavy questions on the last month of the year.
Sorry to hear you’re feeling that way, IS. I’ve had my share of days when I feel like shit. Yes, I know. Even strong and sassy Tita can have her days. I’m human, too. Sue me.
There are so many days that I can remember when I sit in my room in a fetal position with the lights turned off and just soak in the existential dread waiting for death’s sweet embrace to wrap me in her arms for a swift exit because I feel like I don’t amount to anything. Nothing specific triggers that dread save for maybe looking at myself too closely in the mirror and seeing my pores up close or watching my friends’ Instagram stories and seeing them living their best life in Aruba or Fiji or whatever island that’s far away from here. But other than that, I’m totally fine!
What’s really happening in that dread? That gross feeling of inadequacy? We’re comparing ourselves to things and people that we shouldn’t be. Their journeys are theirs. It does not mean that it should be ours as well. IS, your sister is getting married and getting her dream job. Good for her! Is marriage and a glittery career for you? Maybe. But maybe not. This is her path and her time to take. Not yours.
Comparison leads to doubt and doubt leads to dread. We need to stop looking at other people’s lives as barometers of where we should be in our own lives. If I keep looking at what other people my age are doing, I will never be able to focus on my own work and nothing will get done. We start procrastinating and then further look at what other people are doing which will then feed this malicious cycle of self-criticism and we’ll never be able to get out of it.
Listen, IS. I’m not saying you should never compare yourself to what other people are doing. You could end up feeling worse about yourself or feeling better at the expense of someone’s shortcomings. The latter sounds like a blast because I always do it. I love feeling good about myself when I compare what achievements I’ve accomplished when other people haven’t. Is that sustainable? Probably not. Is that somewhat morally bankrupt? Most certainly. So don’t do what I do. But when you do find that your eyes are on other people’s work and you start to doubt yourself, take the other way. The opposite of doubt is certainty.
What are you sure of? What are the things in your life that you know you can do and that make you feel good? I think you shouldn’t discredit the fact that you’re a good friend. You said that people come to you when they’re feeling down. That’s something to be proud of! Not many people can say that they’re the person their friends come to for help and advice. That means your friends find you trustworthy and wise. That’s so cunt.
What else have you achieved that makes you feel good? And don’t compare it to what other people are doing. That’s such a crazy standard to live by! Ask yourself what are the things that make you feel like you stand out. I know that’s not really a question we ask ourselves too often, so now is a good time to start reflecting on what makes you, you! When we constantly move the goalpost according to what other people are doing, we’ll never meet our goals. So what are some goals that you have accomplished that make you feel proud? And don’t think big grand gestures. Think small. Have you been a good listener? Did you make someone feel cared for? How have you made yourself feel loved today? Really look at those small yet significant accomplishments because there’s so much value in them.
It’s really easy to minimize our own worth when looked at through the lens of someone else’s actions. It’s hard not to since we’re constantly exposed to other people’s lives. We love to highlight the big things for the world to see, but those things we see online and the big shiny achievements that people wear like a badge of honour is really nothing more than peacocking and entertainment. It seeks the validation of others and is one big fishing rod for compliments. I’m the guiltiest one of all when you look at how much I post on my socials. Look at me and my pole. Tell me how pretty I am and how talented I’ve become. Blech, I make myself barf. What good is it to show our achievements when we don’t feel good about ourselves?
Find those little things to be proud of, IS. I can guarantee you that gold can be found in the smallest bits of dirt. We just have to dig for it. The real value of our self-worth is found in how we take care of ourselves and how we show up for that little kid inside us who just wants to be liked and told they’re doing a good job. And since you’re the friend that everyone comes to when they need help, why not try being that friend for yourself?
And if that doesn’t work, then do what I do and take up a hobby that nobody else does and post it for external validation! Because that’s healthy, right?
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
