How Do I Stop Feeling So Alone?
Kumusta Tita,
I'm shy. I act differently around others, but I'm honestly terrified. I wish I were stronger. What I really need is someone to do things for me, with me.
I'm afraid every day, I'm alone every second of that day... What I need, what I yearn for, is someone who can keep me in check. Who can grab my hand, pull me close, and say, "I'm here. Everything will be alright, I'm here."
I crave attention, not from many, but from one. I crave affection. I want so badly to have someone kiss me with the same passion I feel trapped in my chest. Until then, l will always crave and desire to be held.
How do I stop feeling so alone?
Sincerely,
Touch Deprived
Hey Touch,
Damn, coming right out the gate with the hard-hitting questions, huh? I didn’t realize Martha Gellhorn was in my inbox.
I can understand the idea of wanting to be held. I can’t blame you. Personally, I’m disgusted by the idea of a man wanting to touch me all the time, like please clean your hands. I don’t know where they came from. But wanting to be touched comes from such a primal part of our brain. When we’re babies, we cry because we want our parents to reassure us with a hug to know that we’re safe. Touch is an affirmation of our existence, a way to non-verbally communicate that everything is going to be okay. The problem lies in where this touch comes from and how we navigate the difficult emotions that come when we’re lacking it.
Triggering any lockdown memories yet?
I remember during lockdown how much I missed the touch of a man and how I craved to be choked. In the words of Ali Wong, I don’t wanna die, but I didn’t want to be sure I was going to live. Oh, how I desperately craved to be fondled and caressed and smothered and hugged and grappled and cared for! When that was taken away from me, I needed to find a way to sate that craving on my own. I turned to my own hands, a full-body stuffed animal, and I even opted for that boyfriend pillow and gave it heating pads to remind me of how it felt to be touched. I’m not going to lie, it was a pathetic scene. I could have been the thumbnail of a new Netflix drama.
When lockdowns were lifted and I was able to slut it up again, you can bet your ass I had hands all over me and I had strange men open mouth hawk-tuah-ing spit down my throat like a mother bird feeding her chicks. I swear to god I think I was responsible for the development of Omicron. My bad y’all. But even as I had every orifice filled with different appendages and fluids humanly possible, I still felt alone. Even in the middle of a post-lockdown celebratory orgy, I felt alone. I felt like I didn’t belong. I was so confused because I thought having such a rapid influx of physical touch would cure my loneliness after being deprived of it for so long.
So in my post-nut clarity, I picked up my clothes and had time to contemplate on the Uber ride home. Why was it that being surrounded by so much touch made me feel more alone than when I did in lockdown?
I’ll let you in on a little secret, Touch Deprived. Even if I did have someone to have and to hold and give me the security validation that I sought after, what would I be if he wasn’t there? Where would I find that then?
For me, touch and attention from one singular individual were not going to calm the storm that was brewing inside me. It was a storm that needed to be navigated by myself and not with the help of someone with big hands who could sexually gratify me while they wrapped around my throat. No matter how many guys I would be with, I would always feel alone unless I was able to make myself feel less alone. I needed to find something in myself to know that I’m going to be okay whether or not someone was going to share my life with me.
For me, the touch of a man represented what I was lacking in myself: validation and a sense of self-worth. Being touched and receiving attention meant that I was a worthy person. It meant that I was still a sexually viable partner. Being touched, being fucked, being kissed, these all meant that I was a person worthy of love and attention. So it came as no surprise that when I didn’t have someone to touch, kiss, and fuck me that I felt like a piece of shit. I tied my sense of worth so much from an external source that I forgot to be that source for myself.
I have to consistently tell myself every day that I am a being worthy of love and companionship, and anybody should consider themselves lucky if they want to share my life with me. This is an ongoing journey for me as I constantly remind myself that I’m a damn good person. I’m not saying that I’m perfectly capable of feeling alone all the time. But what I am saying is that the more I tie my source of love and security to myself, the less I feel the need to seek that from someone else.
I’m not going to tell you to forget your love life altogether because you should do the inner work or whatever holistic bullshit TikTok therapists tell you. I do see the value of having someone hold you and do the things you want to do with you. I know that some things can be done only in a relationship because it’s from firsthand experience that we learn how to interact and create meaningful intimacy. What I do want to tell you, TD, is that while in pursuit of a relationship that you think is going to make you feel complete and less alone, make sure to pursue the most important relationship that will sustain you — a relationship with yourself.
And if that doesn’t work, hire an escort!
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
