I’ve been thinking a lot about breaking up. To be clear I’m not actually dating someone as of this writing. I’m more focused on the act of breaking up. Not really sure why it’s been on my mind a lot as of late. Maybe it’s a lot of the queer content I’ve been watching and how the characters almost always split up at the end as if gay people are never allowed to be happy. Maybe it’s also because a lot of the people I’ve been coaching are having a rough time trying to get over their ex. Man, it seems like nobody can hold a relationship down these days. Must be something in the water.

When you read the words “breaking up” you automatically imagine a couple who has dated for quite some time and are coming to the crossroads of their relationship. They decide whether they want to keep fighting or go their separate ways, but they’ll never be truly happy because there’s always a “what if.” When the subject of breaking up is raised in my circle of friends, this is almost always the case: “No, babe. It wasn’t your fault. It was him. He was absolute garbage. You deserver so much better. Want me to come over? I’ll bring the ice cream and pinot.” Now I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this scenario because as a homegrown gay, a kiki and a good ol’ wine-addled bitchfest is totally what I live for. These kinds of romantic break ups are — I don’t wanna call it a call for celebration, but for the sake of this blog post let’s call it a celebration — celebrated to an extent. They’re always an excuse to call your “boo hoo crew” to help pick up the pieces. And this is all fine and dandy! But what’s really on my mind is the parting of ways between friends.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever experienced this, but when a friend, and I mean a good friend, like a best friend that you would consider family, leaves your life it’s almost more painful than if they were someone you were dating. Picture them. This is a person that you chose to have a long-term platonic relationship with. You hang out, grab a pizza, go to the movies, gossip about the same things you hate, the same music you enjoy, fantasize about the same vacation getaways. You’re basically joined at the hip. Then one day, out of the blue, they’re gone. They’re not dead because you see them active on social media. They haven’t been replying to your texts. They’re just gone.

I’ve had that happen to me before. I had a best friend. To protect his identity, his name is Shawn. Shawn and I were amazing friends. We met through a youth group, and almost instantly we had great chemistry. You put two funny people together and the world starts to look a little more colourful. He talked about girls the way I talked about guys. We would go out to eat almost every weekend. We literally played video games from sunrise to sundown. We were there for each other when the other one was feeling completely out of it. If you didn’t know we were best friends, you would have considered us brothers. Needless to say that we were almost inseparable.

One day, Shawn and I and a bunch of our mutual friends met up at a restaurant to celebrate just being together. We haven’t seen each other in such a long time, so we were just happy to be together in the same room. Food is coming, the beer is flowing, everyone’s laughing, we’re all having a good time. Of course, me being the clown that I am, I made a joke that at the time sounded a bit off-coloured. I didn’t realize this since everyone just kept laughing at everything I was saying. I thought I was on a roll. When the night came to a close and we were all heading our separate ways, I got a text from Shawn: “We need to talk.”

Nobody likes those four words. Whoever invented that sentence needs to be sentenced to death. It causes so much anxiety, your heart starts to race, your palms are absolutely drenched in sweat, and you don’t really know what else to do other than reply with, “Talk about what?” When I asked Shawn what he wanted to chat about, I didn’t hear anything back. I was left on Read. I tried reaching out through other means like calling our mutual friends and emailing and sliding in the DMs. Nothing. When I finally got to him through a mutual friend, he told me that Shawn didn’t want to speak to me. I tried getting more information, but all I got was “He just doesn’t wanna talk to you anymore.” It fucking sucked. My heart sank. My stomach was so knotted up that I wanted to throw up. I wanted to cry right there in public. How could my best friend, my brother, the only other guy I’ve loved more than any man I ever dated, just leave me without notice? It really broke me. This type of break up felt more profound than when my last boyfriend dumped me. It really did a number on me, and I still feel it to this day. This happened almost 4 years ago. That means I’ve been left on Read for 4 years. It’s confusing, it’s painful, it’s disappointing, but above all, it makes me miss him.

I was hanging out with one of my current besties at the beach, and we were sitting down by the rocks listening to the waves crash on the shore while we watched the sun set. We’re both queer so we’re really feeling our emotions. The topic of platonic breakups came up, and she told me why this sucked way more than when you date someone. She said something along the lines of , “It sucks more because you don’t have closure. When you break up with someone you’re dating, you go through a whole ceremonial-like stage in your relationship where you go ‘Here’s your stuff, have a good life.’ But when you’re breaking up with a friend, nobody tells you how to get over that. That’s a person that you chose to have an intimate relationship with and there wasn’t any sexual overtones. You were genuinely close and to lose that kind of person so suddenly is devastating.” She’s right. The wounds of a platonic breakup feel like they take a lot longer to heal. This may have been 4 years ago, but it feels like it’s just starting to scab over. Nobody has instructions for breaking up with a friend. Nobody knows how to navigate losing a loved one when they’re not exactly lost. Worst of all, nobody prepares you for how much it hurts.

I still don’t know what to do. I’m at my wits’ end with trying to figure out how to mend a bond that doesn’t want to be fixed. But I guess that’s something I’m going to have to accept. I’m going to have to come to terms with the fact that this important person in my life is now gone for good, and he doesn’t want me around anymore. Maybe that’s the closure I need to find comfort in. I need to find solace in this grey area of a break up where I have to remind myself that we did have some good times and we, at one point, felt like we had the world in our hands. And that was a beautiful time. It hurts a lot when I think about how abruptly it ended, but at least it starts to hurt less every day.

Shawn, wherever you are, if you end up reading this, I hope you’re well. I’m sorry for whatever it is I did that made you want to leave my life so suddenly. I’m sorry that you didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell me, your best friend and brother, what was on your mind. I should have been more attentive, or at least, asked what was wrong. There’s not a day where I don’t think about you at least for a millisecond. If you ever want to reach out, please know I’m listening and that I hold no ill will towards you. I miss you.