How Do I Start Finding Love Again?
Kumusta Tita,
I just divorced my husband of 9.5 years, and now I’m lost.
We met in high school, he was the first and only man I ever dated, and he was also the man I lost my virginity to. We went to the same college and socialized in the same circles. He proposed to me after graduation and I thought that we would have that fairytale ending. Needless to say that he was my entire world.
I’m not entirely sure where everything went wrong. Over the years our marriage turned sour. We started spending less time with each other because we were both so focused on our careers. There was even a point where he came home so late that I thought he was having an affair. That accusation led to more and more ridiculous arguments to the point where we started to resent each other. Eventually we both agreed that we were no longer good for each other and settled our divorce. That was the last civil conversation we ever had.
It’s been half a year since the divorce, and I’m not sure what to do with my life. My job is keeping me afloat, I have a decent apartment, and I keep in touch with a small group of friends. I basically have nothing in my life to remind me of him.
I’m trying to get back in the dating game, but it’s still so hard because he’s all I can think about despite my efforts of erasing him from my life completely. I want to move on, but I believe what we had was special. If I forget about us I feel like that’s disrespecting all the years we spent together. He made me feel whole. Now I feel broken. Can you help me figure out how to get through this?
Signed,
Picking Up the Pieces
Hey PUP,
First of all, I want to say thanks for writing because holy shit has it been a while since I’ve spoken to a virgin. I know you’re not a “virgin” by society’s definition; I’m talking about the ones who have dated only one guy, fucked one guy, and will die beside that one guy. That’s so insane to me. Having just one dude to meet all your needs? Unless his name is Amazon, I don’t see a reason why anyone would be crazy enough to do that. No (some) offense. You knew who you were writing to.
So from what it sounds like you’re already off to a pretty great start. Start with a clean slate by removing any and all traces of him from your life. Delete his number, block him on all socials, burn his personal belongings, the works. But is this guaranteed to help you move on? Fuck no.
What’s funny about Heartache is that she’s a confusing little bitch. She’s the girl who keeps peeking around the corner while you’re doing the dishes only to jump in and surprise you when you see a food stain that looks like his nose, so you wash the dishes with your tears instead. She’s the demon child that tells you bullshit adages like “tHe OnLy wAy to gEt oVeR him iS to gEt uNdEr sOmEoNe eLsE” as if sex is supposed to be a cure. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Grief sex is hot. Nothing is hotter than a man feeling like his dick can provide some source of comfort only for you to kick him out the moment you’re done using him.
But to Heartache’s credit, she’s also the bestie that will come to your apartment in the middle of the night when you’re in your sweats and binging on Flamin’ Hot Cheetos to bring you out dancing with the girlies because she wants you to live your best life. If this sounds a little like toxic positivity, that’s because it is.
Like I said, PUP, Heartache is confusing. She’s a cunt. She doesn’t really know what she’s doing, but fuck, she sure knows how to make us feel good. She makes that sad little kid in all of us go inside their room all day and lock themselves up, and she also forces you out against your will. And it’s only those two options, then it becomes exhausting. So when does she actually become helpful?
Well, PUP, that’s up to us. We have to see that at some point Heartache stops serving us. Much like how you and your ex realized you’re no longer good for each other, you also have to realize that sitting at home all day and refusing to go on more dates because of your ex is no longer serving you. How long will that take and when that could happen is all up to you.
You need to realize that your relationships aren’t stagnant because people aren’t stagnant. We’re dynamic beings capable of change and influence and growth. You want to move on, but how can you when you’re holding on to the past? Wasn’t it Beyonce in that Pepsi commercial that told us to “embrace your past, but live for now?”
Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting what you had. It means you acknowledge that it happened, leave it in its place where it belongs, and keep going. Life keeps going, so you need to as well. Keep hanging out with your friends, find a different hobby to enjoy, get involved in a charity. Do what makes you feel like yourself. You are a whole person who is not defined by a relationship, so I don’t want to hear any more of this “broken” nonsense.
Now go out there, get laid, and enjoy all that life has to offer!
Or stay in all day and masturbate and read through all the deranged questions that come in your inbox. God knows that’s what I’m doing.
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
