How Do I Tell My Dad It’s Okay to Come Out?
Kumusta Tita,
I come from a fairly progressive family. I have a mom and a dad who are divorced who I love very much, and they accept me for who I am: a polyamorous, pussy-loving, vegan lesbian. They love me and my three partners, so family dinner is never awkward.
That said, we were all having dinner, and I was helping my dad clear the table. As only he and I were in the kitchen doing the dishes, I heard the all too familiar “buh-doop” Grindr notification.
It was loud. But what was even louder was the brief moment of silence that followed afterward. I saw him frantically dry his hands, reach for his phone, and put it on vibrate. Needless to say, the rest of the evening was awkward between us now that I knew his secret.
What I don’t understand is why he feels the need to keep this a secret. If they love and accept me for who I am, I don’t get why my dad feels that he needs to stay in the closet. I just want to tell him that it’s okay to come out.
Tita, how do I tell him it’s okay to talk about it?
Sincerely,
Safe Space Daughter
Hey Safe,
Way to show off how emotionally well-adjusted your family is. MUST BE NICE! Also, you don’t need to mention that you’re a vegan and that you eat pussy. I think that by simply stating “lesbian” on your application we can safely assume that comes with the territory. Thricely redundant.
Let’s talk about your dad. Divorced? Single? Possibly gay? Can you give him my number? Thanks. What was the reason they got divorced? Was it because of the Grindr thing? If so, then you have nothing to worry about. But if not, then you still have nothing to worry about. I’m going to tell you the same reason that we Alphabet Mafia members tell conservatives about trans people in the washroom: it’s none of your business.
I know that living la vida “los gibiddies” means we live in this sort of bubble of freedom and pride especially when we’ve been living our most authentic selves for quite some time. We get comfortable enough in our own skin, and this becomes our norm. This is the future Republicans feared. This is our world and everyone’s just living in it.
I’m going to say something controversial here, but try to stay with me. You are privileged when you come out.
Wait, Tita, what? You lost me.
I know. Let me cook.
Obviously, queer people are vilified and killed for simply existing. However, and I’m keeping this context in the West, when queer people can live and thrive in the same way that you are with your lesbian commune, you have a certain privilege. I don’t know your entire story, SSD, but it sounds like you’re living what a lot of queer people wish for. You’re living authentically and without shame. A life that your father quite possibly wants for himself.
I don’t know if you ever struggled with coming out and had to face the painful pitfalls that come with it, but it’s not pretty. Some queer people get fired, murdered, kicked out, all that shit. So some people choose to stay in the closet. Could this be why your father hasn’t come out yet? He doesn’t necessarily feel safe or ready to come out even in the presence of such a loving environment. I don’t know how close you are to him, but it sounds like if he’s not coming out to you guys he doesn’t feel safe enough for this information to be known.
For all we know he’s already told your mom and is just trying to figure out how to tell you. It’s hard to imagine that the people in our lives the longest would harbor some deep dark secret because they don’t feel safe enough to tell us. We don’t want to be that source of hardship for them. All we can do is continue to be there for them. Don’t force him out of the closet or you’ll end up knocking him into the back section with all the other dirty laundry hidden deep in that walk-in.
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
