Can I Mourn A Relationship That Never Happened?
Kumusta Tita,
Last year, I connected with a guy over Reddit. He told me upfront that he lived in a different city, was married to a woman, and he has a kid, and wants to be just friends. We would talk every day for a whole day. If I didn’t text him then we would text me until we would fall asleep.
Even though we were different people with different interests, we never ran out of things to talk about. One time he told me about how I shouldn’t call him “bro” because that would ruin the chances of us ever hooking up. We joked about that kind of stuff and teased and flirted with each other.
After three weeks of non-stop talking, he still wouldn’t tell me his name or share a photo of himself. At this point, I was developing feelings for him and wanted to get physical with him. I realized that I was setting myself up for failure because I didn’t have a single clue about who this guy was; I didn’t know his name, or what he looked like, and I knew that he would never leave his wife and kids because he would never come out as gay.
So I told him we couldn’t talk anymore.
His response was simply, “Ok.”
When I asked him if he wanted a reason from me, he sent me a Spanish poem about how things always end and it’s good while it lasts. Then he just disappeared.
The next day I regretted that, so I texted him saying I wanted to talk and explain myself, but he never responded. I’m still quite sad about this because I feel like I lost my only chance of ever connecting with a guy despite my mind telling me that it would never happen. I still miss him.
Tita, how do I move on from this when there was nothing there to begin with?
Sincerely,
Blinded by Love
Hey Love,
Can you send me that Spanish poem? I don’t mean to make light of your situation, even though I totally do, but I would love to read it. I think it’s soooo funny that he couldn’t come up with a better way to say goodbye. Leave it to the Spanish to make everything more dramatic than it is. RIP Pablo Neruda, you would have loved this closeted Reddit man.
Now, BbL, I so desperately want to empathize with you. I really do. I think that what you’re feeling is real, and you should feel it. However, you have to realize who you wrote your letter to. So get ready for some trademarked tough love.
As a bona fide Aquarius queen, I have a deep appreciation for the internet and its unbridled chaos from the big things like bringing down governments to small things like catfishing that bully from high school years after you graduate. How does it feel now, Mark?! I think the internet is a great way for us to communicate, but it also allows us to hide behind a screen. We have total anonymity in the palm of our hands, yet how we wield that kind of power can border on abuse and manipulation. I’m sorry to say, BbL, but you’re just another victim in a long line of anonymously fabricated intimacy.
Texting is a great way for us to communicate and stay in touch, but what a lot of people forget is that it’s only a substitute for actual conversation. When we converse in person or on video we can pick up on social cues, body language, and tone. All these make for a good conversation because conversing is an art form that is approached holistically and not just an exchange of sentences. Texting robs us of those. It creates a false sense of intimacy because we have to fill in the blanks for ourselves with our interpretation of what we’re reading. We may read “I’m doing great” either with disdain or with jubilance. We would never know because we’re creating the tone in our minds.
In the three weeks you were talking to this man, you have created a scenario for yourself in which you believe that you’ll be together in spite of the lack of any fundamental knowledge of this person. He could have been a serial killer for all you know. Although there’s something hot about a stranger wanting to kill you because they chose you. Hmm…
Anyways…you didn’t know his name and you didn’t know what he looked like? Falling in love with a figment of your imagination is craaaazzzyyy. To your credit, you did realize this while still somewhat early in the connection. So good on you for seeing that. But again, red flags were all over the place. I’m not sure how old you are, but you sound like you’re old enough to understand the risks of talking to strangers on the internet, so failing to see those red flags is kind of on you. A wife and a kid? Living in a different city? These are not qualities a good potential partner makes! So I’m going to hold you accountable for your mistake here, sweetie.
However, I’m not an uncaring monster. Tita is here to give somewhat sage advice. Feel what you need to feel. It’s been a year though, so you should be getting over it pretty soon. But clearly, you’ve been triggered by something so much to cause you to recall this memory that you felt the need to write to me. I’m going to tell you what I’ve learned from lived experience and from years of therapy: your feelings are trying to tell you something.
If you have ever watched the Inside Out films, then you know that feelings, in a way, have feelings of their own. They may now always do it in the best way possible, but they’re doing it to protect you from something. So it’s up to us to figure out what they’re protecting you from. Get curious with your emotions and ask them what exactly it is that they’re avoiding. In your case, the feeling is Sadness. Our Disappointment, or Mourning. Whatever you wanna call it. But in the spirit of the films, let’s call her Sadness.
What is Sadness keeping you safe from? This is a conversation that you’ll need to have. Isolate yourself from the memory and look at it from a top-down objective point of view and ask what is Sadness’ role in this situation. Is she protecting you from loneliness? Does she genuinely believe that Reddit man is the only man in the world with whom you’ll be able to connect? Where did Sadness first learn that there will only be one man in the world for you? This is the hard-hitting journalism you need to meet your emotions with. Ask the tough questions and get down to the root of the situation. Once you find the cause you’ll see that it is much easier to get through the mourning process.
I’m still going to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. Boy meets closeted stranger on internet, boy cries over something that never was. Hopefully once you find that part of you that Sadness is keeping you safe from, you can join me in laughing at your situation. Maybe next time you’ll fall in love with a regular guy who’s not afraid to open themselves up to you,
Or maybe it’ll be a serial killer.
Either way, at least get their name first.
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
