I Have Attachment Issues and Can’t Afford Therapy
Kumusta Tita,
I have attachment issues and get stuck when I enjoy the company of a person. I used to spend an entire day thinking about them and wondering if they were doing okay or why they weren't responding/texting me. It's much better now. I don't become anxious when they don't respond to a text, and I'm not constantly prying about their personal life.
Recently, I can't get the thought of a close friend out of my head, no matter what I try. I'm worried that I'm going to spiral downward and forget all of my responsibilities. I've tried everything that worked for me. Don't contact them unless they contact me, avoid meeting them for a while. If they're on my mind all day, meet up with them for a chat and it'll go away. My main concern is spiraling and losing all sense of self just because I can't focus on what I need to get done in life. Luckily it's a close friend so I'm not too concerned with them using me for money. However, I know if it's happening to one, it will most definitely happen to another and I may not be so lucky next time it happens.
I know seeing a therapist would be a better choice and they'll be equipped to help me through this, but I'm not doing financially well at the moment. Also want to avoid the judgement of my family who think it's a scam. We're already on bad terms and as a person living under their roof, I don't wanna muddy the waters further.
Signed,
Anxiously Attached
Hey Anxiously Attached,
Good for you for signing your letter with a sense of self-awareness. Anxious attachment styles are so stressful. “Do they like me? Am I a good friend? Why aren’t you talking to me as much as we used to?!” And then we try to combat anxiety with avoidance like you did by actively trying not to contact them. As if being avoidant has shown to be effective. Avoidant? More like cowardly. Pussy bitch.
Okay, so there are two things that you’re bringing up here: how to help your anxious attachment style, and the fact that your friend is, and I’m using your words, “using you for money.” I wanna talk about the latter first.
I’m not getting the full picture here, AA, but from that sentence alone, someone using you for money is not a friend. Speaking as someone who used clients for money, I can honestly say that I will never call any of them my friends. They were hiring me for my services, and we would not hang out outside of that. Based on what you wrote, my theory is that your friend’s dependence on your giving him money is you mistaking that for genuine intimacy. I don’t think it takes an expert to figure out that what you have going on with your “friend” is not a friendship. You’re a sugar daddy. In that case…call me.
So for the uninitiated and those who aren’t in therapy, let me give you a very uneducated and totally not professional summary of what being anxiously attached means, I’m defining this based on my experience of my own anxious attachment and what it took for me to get to somewhere a little more secure combined with light online reading from my therapist’s recommendation,
Being anxiously attached means you live in constant fear that you’re going to be alone and that you aren’t good enough. You get the slightest bit of love and affection and intimacy and hyper-fixate on that, so you try to hold on to it tightly and for as long as possible. One reason behind this could be that when you’re a kid your parents would love and care for you the moment you needed it. But then there were moments when you really needed it and they weren’t there to give you that attention. So love and care came in short supply. That never got resolved in your childhood and shows up as an anxious attachment in your adulthood.
Now here’s the solution and how to treat your anxious attachment, AA. This is going to sound so cliche, but it’s actually the truth. Just think that you’re THE shit.
I’m not kidding. Believe that you’re the shit. How we relate to others is often a reflection of how we relate to ourselves. When we think so low of ourselves and we’re not deserving of love, we look for that love from others. Ew, that’s so gross and not cute. It’s giving desperate and clingy. Ugly people behaviour. You need to be confident in your worthiness as a person and genuinely believe that you’re a fucking amazing person. Your confident adult self needs to talk to your kid self that’s hurting and tell that little kid they’re loved and cared for by your adult self.
Dr. Tara Well, PhD, a psychology professor from Columbia University writes,
“A key to being comfortable with others is trusting yourself and seeing your value in relationships. If you’re anxiously attached, you may believe other people will leave you if you don’t constantly monitor their presence and their moods and reactions to you. So when you’re alone with yourself, you tend to still be in that relationship monitoring mode. It’s essential to consider your loved ones’ feelings and attitudes, but you also have to develop the capacity to take your focus off of them. You can practice this by compassionately coming back to yourself time and time again.”
AA, there’s some truth in what you wrote when you said “avoid meeting them for a while.” Use that time to yourself to focus on yourself and reconnect with yourself. Maybe also use that time to rethink your relationship with your friend. I’m speaking to you as your Tita: cut him loose, bitch. People who are that comfortable using others for money are leeches. Parasites. Fucking bloodsuckers. And just like any parasite, they’re not healthy for you. Slice them up. Put salt on them and watch them writhe in pain. They do not deserve you, because you are what? THE SHIT.
I constantly live in a state of Plane Jane-esque delusion where I just believe I’m perfect and amazing and I look like Linda Evangelista. I hold myself in high regard and believe that I am fabulous. Even if people tell me otherwise, I know they’re wrong because they’re jealous and ugly. All ugly people are jealous. I am confident in myself therefore I am hot. I don’t need anyone telling me I’m hot or telling me I’m unlovable, because I hold on to my truth. I become secure in myself which in turn, makes me secure in my relationships.
I don’t need a relationship to tell me I’m loved. It’s a privilege for my friends to have my friendship. That means I don’t need to check in on them every single time to make sure we’re still friends. I trust that they’re my friends because I know I’m worthy of friends. But I would be remiss if I didn’t give the caveat of being confident in yourself crossing into self-absorption. Working on yourself to get to a secure place is not going to happen overnight. It takes work and it takes finding balance. It does not mean that you can just ignore your relationships and be confident that it’s not going anywhere. It means putting in the work to grow that relationship and tend to it, but being confident that it will thrive if you put in the effort. It also means that you will be fine if it withers.
So, my dear AA, this is something to think about. Ask yourself why you’re friends with this leech. Then ask yourself what you think about yourself. If and when you finally decide to cut him out of your life and save enough money for therapy, you’ll find yourself in a much better and more secure place. I hope you find peace within yourself, but if you don’t, that will be $150 for our time today.
Mahal Kita,
Tita Slut
