Why Does He Have to Break Up with Me to Work on Himself?
Kumusta Tita Slut,
I’m dealing with a breakup right now and, even though it's not my first, I'm still finding it rather difficult. I don't date casually or for fun, so when I date someone it's because I've already talked with them and they are on the same page.
I dated someone for three months and out of nowhere, he says he isn’t ready and wants to be alone. He had his own things he was going through, and I went above and beyond to help in any way I can because, again, I wasn't dating him casually. I believed we had shared intentions for the future.
I don’t understand the concept of “working on yourself” as being exclusive from being with a partner. I understand alone time. Everyone needs it at some point, some more than others. But I’ve never understood why one has to be without the other. The way I see it is that the person you choose to be with shouldn’t be excluded or dismissed when you want to work on yourself for the intention of getting better to be together.
Please help me make sense of this, Tita.
Hugs,
Looking for Love
Hey LL,
Do you want a hug? Is that what you need? Well, hug yourself. No, I mean it. Hug yourself.
I get it. Breakups hurt every single motherfucking time. It does not get any easier. What you do need to understand is that he doesn’t owe you shit. You got your feelings hurt, and that’s totally valid. But what you can’t go around doing is subconsciously punishing him for hurting your feelings because you can’t be bothered to interrogate your own emotions.
Dating is such a pain in the ass. I don’t know why people do it. I depend on my vibrator who has never once talked back to me or betrayed me. Is everyone do dependent on being with someone so badly that there’s this new thing called having an identity? You’re an individual too! Helloooo!!! Maybe he agreed to date you a little too early and made the decision in haste. Maybe his mind changed when he got to know you more because you’re trash and feel like you give people some sort of ultimatum and finality in dating as if they don’t have a choice. Did you know that people are allowed to grow and change their minds when presented with new facts and experiences? I know. Mind blowing.
I don’t know what he’s going through, and from the sounds of it, you don’t know what he’s going through either. That’s none of our business. He can go through whatever it is he’s going through, and he doesn’t have to tell you because, and I repeat, nobody owes anyone anything. He doesn’t owe you an explanation if he doesn’t feel comfortable enough to disclose it. We don’t owe anyone any form of kindness. We should be kind to one another, but we don’t owe that to people.
From the get-go, you told him that you are dating for the long term. Nothing wrong with that! (But ew gross) You had your intentions and your goals which is totally fine. But where you went wrong is that you put all your eggs in this basket and expected him to be at the same pace as you. You expected him to be in the same mental headspace as you. You went in to this relationship automatically thinking “husband material NOW!” which is so insane if you think about it. You in danger, girl.
While breakups can be devastating especially for those of us who are so gung-ho on finding marriage before we die, they should also be celebrated. Although it might not seem that clear right now, breaking up is actually an act of kindness. Had he chosen to stay in the relationship, both of you would be unhappy down the long run. Your forced barrier on him staying in the relationship would have caused him to resent you. The thought of holding someone emotionally hostage because you want someone to put a ring on it is so wild.
Now you’re hurting. Cool. Fine. Do what you need to do. Cry, eat, have rebound sex. I personally prefer the third. But do what you need to do to take care of yourself. While you do take care of yourself, remember that you are doing this for you because nobody will do it for you. You feeling like you need to be locked down with a ring is your problem, so don’t make it anybody else’s. Learn to be happy being alone. Learn that you’re not a worthless person because you’re single. It’s okay to have relationship goals and ambitions and dream of a future someone, but don’t let that take over your identity thus taking over your dating life. It’s not fair to you or to the people you date. You can’t just Stockholm syndrome your next boyfriend in to loving you. If I wanted to be held hostage and emotionally tortured for months for something I didn’t do, I would sit in a Jordan Peterson lecture.
Be happy being single. Don’t depend on other people for your happiness. Be at peace with being alone because being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely. It just means you can talk to all the voices in your schizophrenic brain more often and really those are the friends we need.
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
