It’s Not a Breakup, It’s a Change

Last fall I made friends with a guy, let’s call him Jay, and we hit it off quite well. We had great sexual chemistry together, but we both knew this would not turn into something romantic. There was this mutual understanding that it would be a platonic friendship where we occasionally fuck each other’s brains out. A true friends-with-benefits type of situation.

Jay recently found himself a boyfriend — much to my chagrin with details I’ll spare you for another time — and now they’re hitting it off and getting serious. They’re slowly developing serious feelings for each other to the point of saying the L word. I’m not a fan of using that word unless it’s truly meant, but what do I know? I’m jaded and not fazed by trivial emotions.

Keep in mind that I’ve been fucking Jay longer than he has met his boyfriend. I feel that’s an important point to keep in mind as I keep ranting.

A few weeks ago Jay and I made plans to watch TV and fuck. I was excited because we hadn’t fucked in a month. He told me he would text me after his dinner plans with his friends. This was the first time I heard about it, and it made me feel frustrated because he said we didn’t really wanna go out, to begin with, but I’ll let it slide.

He texts me at 5 pm saying that he doesn’t know when they’re ending, but he’ll keep me updated as the night goes on. Being the ever-so-patient saint that I am, I agreed to wait a little more. 8 pm rolls by I still haven’t heard back from him. I felt my heart sink to my stomach and a lump formed in my throat. Tears were welling up in my eyes. I knew what was happening. I hated that feeling. I was stood up.

I got home feeling like I wasted a day of waiting on my friend while I fought some cognitive dissonance in my head. What reason would he have to stand me up like that? Why did he prioritize his friends over me when we made these plans way in advance? Why did I make myself believe that this was going to happen in the first place? So many thoughts zooming through my mind a mile a minute, so I decided to drown myself in popcorn and Sprite. Fuck him, fuck everything, fuck having emotions.

The day after he texted me first thing in the morning saying he got high on molly, threw up, and his phone died. He apologized, but I wasn’t going to let him off the hook that easily. I told him that I was disappointed in him and I was deeply hurt by what he had done, or rather, not done. I felt that I was put aside and treated like an afterthought because he prioritized his other friends over me. To anyone who’s ever felt like you’re on the verge of a breakup with a friend, you know it hits different than talking to a romantic partner. It feels worse. So much worse that I cried when I told him my deepest fear of being left alone. That’s not something I usually tell people other than my therapist. I broke down.

He said he didn’t mean to do it, and I believed him. He has no reason to be insincere. What threw me for a curveball was that he said that because of his feelings toward his new boyfriend, he said that he would put a pause on benefits. In my head, I’m really angry. Why does our friendship have to change all because you met some boy? Don’t I get a say in this? It’s not fair. (I know that these thoughts are so unhinged and whatnot, but this is my truth. Sue me.)

He went on to say that juggling the emotions of a friend with benefits as well as a boyfriend was too much to handle, and he wanted to put time and energy into his love life. Obviously, I disagree with this decision because I told Jay in previous conversations what sex means to me. For me, it’s a means to connect and feel closer to one another. And sex with friends is so much more fun than sex with a romantic partner, at least the way I see it. I asked him if we had met when we were supposed to and this would have had the same outcome. He told me that we would at least have discussed it after fucking. Great, not only do I not get fucked, but I feel like I’m losing my best friend to some boy.

I don’t agree with monogamy in the best of times. I can see why some people would choose it, but it’s not for me. So it’s frustrating that my sex life is getting thrown aside all for some monogamous bullshit. But Jay is my best friend, and I have to respect his decision no matter how much I disagree with it. If I want to continue to be part of his life and he wants to be part of mine, then there has to be some compromise.

Without going into too much detail about their relationship, he told me that they are not allowed to have sex within our circle of friends mostly because they think it will create some sort of weird dynamic in the circle. Some people are just not capable of compartmentalizing sex and emotions as well as I can, and I can try to understand that. However, as his friend and have been in his life longer than the boyfriend, I reserve the right to bring up this benefits situation again regularly. I know that we won’t be having sex for a while because of the mess of emotions he has to deal with. While that throws a wrench in my plans, I have to respect it as much as I fucking hate it. It’s up to me to find a balance between friends, bringing up sex without being annoying, and finding a new fuck buddy.

I have to accept the fact that some people are just not built for sex like I am. I have a high sex drive, I have sex with friends for connection, and I won’t be stopped from pleasure all because some boy thinks sexual exclusivity is equivalent to a healthy relationship.

It’s not a breakup, but it sure feels like one. It’s a change. As much as I hate change, change is good. I hope this can bring us closer, and we can navigate this next stage in our friendship maturely.

Ugh.