The title is Latin for “buyer beware.” It’s a proverb used in any form of contract law or sales which is basically saying that consumers should assure themselves that the product is good. Otherwise, hello buyer’s remorse. Basically there’s no satisfaction guarantee which is bullshit if you ask me. I’m investing time and money and now I have to invest mental and emotional energy in to buying my fucking groceries? I just want to take a nap by that time and let anxiety’s cold embrace take me away. Okay, Tim. What does that have to do with sex or love? Hold on. I’m getting there.

I was reviewing some old notes from my marketing class in college to learn how to grow my business, and I came across this gem. This is a TED Talk by Barry Schwartz on the paradox of choice. Give it a quick watch before reading on.

If you’re too lazy to watch another TED Talk between your video game video essay binge, then allow me to summarize the major points Schwartz makes:

• Western society aims to maximize the welfare of its citizens. To maximize welfare, we must maximize individual freedom. To maximize freedom, we maximize choice.

• Having lots of choices has two negative effects on people: Too many choices leaves us feeling paralyzed so we just give up and do what I do and take a nap, and when we do manage to make a choice we end up less satisfied with the result than if we had fewer options (i.e., buyer’s remorse).

• “Adding options to people's lives can't help but increase the expectations people have about how good those options will be. And what that's going to produce is less satisfaction with results, even when they're good results.” Basically, instead of comparing your choice A to what could have been choice B, you’re comparing it to choices B - Z.

I highly recommend reading his book, The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less, when you can.

Alright, we get it, Tim. You’re so intelligent and you read. But again, what does this have to do with sex education? Well if you would just sit tight and don’t get your cock ring in a tangle, I’ll get there. In case you didn’t know how insane I was, here’s a screenshot of the dating apps I’m currently using.

I am currently of the mindset that if I cast a wide net, I’ll be able to find that right man for me. Like there’s ever such a thing. But a girl can dream! Now, 6 dating apps isn’t so bad, right? Grindr has 5 million active users worldwide. Hinge has 6 million, Scruff has 15 million, Bumble has 12.3 million (with 1.35 million paying the subscription), OKCupid has 50 million, and Tinder has 75 million (with 6.2 million paying the subscription). With numbers like that, I should be able to find a man in no time! Wrong. So wrong. Incorrect. If you’re like me, then reading those numbers made your heart skip a beat and made you want to throw up a little. This is literally too many choices. So much that I needed to sleep and forget that there’s this many available singles to choose from. I don’t know how strippers count that many singles every night, so kudos to you. I told you this would relate to sex :)

Having that many people contact you/having that many people to contact is so overwhelming. This is the paralysis that Schwartz is talking about when we are presented with too many choices. How do I know which butthole to cum in to when there’s so many buttholes to choose from? Which dick to I ride because there’s literally an endless flavour array of dicks out there? Add that on top of the stress from receiving unsolicited dick pics and I kind of just throw my phone on the edge of my bed and stare in to the abyss.

Online dating should be fun, but lately it has drained the absolute shit out of me. I’ve been faced with the paradox of choice one too many times that I just give up and hire a reliable escort to get a moment of peace. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one faced with the negative effects of this paradox. Now I know not everyone is as privileged as me to have a network of escorts to offer a discounted price on their services should they feel the need to quell the waves of panic from making choices. So how should we approach online dating and casual sex in a way that doesn’t give us that paralyzing anxiety caused by having so much dumpsters to cum in?

Schwartz has a strategy in his book to help consumers good decisions. While this is more for shopping around, I feel that it applies to dating. After all, how different can choosing a pair of jeans be from choosing the next man to ruin? I’ll outline the strategies below and provide some examples that make sense to me and hopefully they’ll make sense to you.

1. Figure out your goals. Ask yourself, “What do I want?” When choosing something, we make our choice based on how we expect that experience to make us feel, expected utility, and how good an experience made us feel, remembered utility. I want to be in a long term relationship because that guy made me feel special. Also, I want to get railed to death until his dick impales me to the ceiling.

2. Evaluate the importance of each goal: Psychologists Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky researched what is known as the “availability heuristic” where we give importance to things that are more easily remembered instead of what we know is to be true. Is my goal to get fucked like a kebab really what I want, or am I just saying that because I’m still filled with cum from last night’s bukkake?

3. Array the options: Kahneman and Tversky found that personal "psychological accounts" will produce the effect of framing the choice and determining what options are considered as subjects to factor. In other words, context matters. Is getting double penetrated just a way for me to spend a Friday night, or is it a stepping stone in the hopes of finding Mr. Right?

4. Evaluate how likely each of the options is to meet your goals: Think realistically about how the options in front of you can meet each of your goal with respect to each goal’s importance and priority. Getting married and finding a partner is more important to me than a quick fuck in the drag bar, so I can find a potential partner if I go to a yoga class or the library instead of the stinky bath house.

5. Pick the winning option: Once you’ve evaluated your goals and your options carefully, then go for it. Make that choice irreversible, thank yourself for making that choice, then live without regret. Or at the very least, less regret. I’m so glad I went to the restaurant to blow my back out with the bus boy instead of the homeless guy at the baths. I wonder if he’ll be up for another date!

6. Modify goals: After you have made your decision and feel like the goal has either been met or not, time to re-evaluate and start from square one. Okay, I guess he didn’t want to call me back. But at least I tried! Better luck at the next restaurant.