How many times has this happened to you?

You go out for a drink with some guy you just met online. Things are going so well; you’re vibing, the atmosphere is great, you look good and feel good, and nothing could ruin such a perfect night. The stars aligned! He takes you home, and you bang one out like two rabbits in heat and you’ve been fed Viagra in your food pellets.

“Fuck, that was the best orgasm I’ve ever had in my life,” you tell him.

“Seriously. I can’t wait to see you again,” he says.

Your eyes dash left and right, looking for the door to make a quick getaway. “Oh, um…I’m actually not looking for anything serious right now. I hope that’s okay? This was fun though.”

You grab your clothes, pat him on the head, and make a run for it while you head to your Lyft that you called 10 mins ago while you’ve already finished and he was still going.

No? Just me? Okay, give me a break. I did not know he was the commitment type! Forgive me for wanting to pump and dump while he’s out here trying to put a ring on it. What am I, a child bride? (I’m 30 years old.)

I will admit that this scene could have gone a little better in retrospect. Casual dating does not mean we treat each other casually. We are allowed to want just a physical relationship without us ever feeling obliged to go further. How do we communicate our boundaries so that everyone is on the same page?

First, let’s define what casual relationships are. Casual dating is an ongoing relationship where everyone has a mutual understanding that there is no expectation of long-term commitment. It means you like them enough to hang out with them or fuck them when you’re bored, but you are not on a journey down the aisle.

Tim, that sounds like an excuse to be a slut. Why would someone want that?

Well, that’s not very sex positive, is it?

People want a casual relationship for different reasons. Some common reasons could be that people are still exploring their romantic goals and need the freedom to explore it without being told to commit to one person, or maybe someone simply wants to have fun with as many people as possible because life is delicious and needs to be shared. 

Or maybe someone is just casually dating to avoid handling their deep-seated traumatic memories of past relationships gone wrong, so you tell your therapist that you’re unable to create a long-lasting connection because your 21-year-old boyfriend decided to cheat on you three times and that incident permanently left a mark on your psyche so you won’t be able to trust men anymore and you’ll never be able to fully accept love because love has never fully accepted you and you gaslight yourself in to thinking you’re going to die alone so what’s the point in taking this to the next level because eventually they all leave and the knowledge of coming home to a dog that barely likes you and the bottom of the bottle is the only real relationship you will truly ever know.

Or something like that. I’m guessing.

The point is that people like to keep things casual for different reasons and it has its benefits so long as you know that this is something you truly want.

Okay, I don’t know where that came from. But I see your point. How do I pursue one?

Right from the beginning, you need to be clear about your boundaries. You need to tell them that you’re not looking for commitment. Be direct about what you want and what you’re looking for. This does not mean that you can just go around saying, “Oh, I’m just looking to fuck. If that’s not you, move along.”

No, that's not cute. It’s 2024, babe. We’re not treating each other like used tissue anymore. Be respectful. A different approach would sound something like, “I’m looking for a casual relationship. I’m not looking for commitment, just someone to hang out with, occasionally have sex with, and maybe see a show. How about you?”

Perfect. It’s transparent, direct, and respectful. Don’t you wish more people were like that?

Now I do have to warn you that with great directness comes great responsibility. Some people won’t take too kindly about your “lifestyle choice.” And you know what? That’s fine! That’s on them! Let them be all judgey and ugly. You are creating connections that are right for you. Do what you want to do. You’re not hurting anybody, everyone is consenting, then it’s nobody else’s business what you do with your dating life.

You get to hang out with someone who actually likes being around you and you like being around them. You get to do couple-y things without the pressure of being an actual couple, and I think that’s so cool. 

That all sounds nice, but I feel like that’s a slippery slope to catching feelings. What happens then?

We’re all human. We can develop feelings for a person, and that’s kind of something we can’t control. Excuse me for being a romantic and an empath. Unreciprocated feelings can suck. Whether it’s you liking them or them liking you, it’s awful when feelings aren’t in sync.

There’s no methodical way to go about this other than to be honest. Be honest with yourself and be honest with them. Open communication is key to maintaining any sort of relationship. If they disclose that they start to develop feelings for you and you don’t feel the same way, you have to tell them. It’s not going to be an easy conversation because you’ll have to let them down easily. Restate your relationship goals and that you’re committed to being non-committed. They’ll probably be heartbroken, but them's the breaks.

In contrast, if your feelings towards a casual relationship change, and trust me, they can, you will need to tell them. You could fall in love with them and think the sun shines out of their asshole and want to adopt a dog together. Tell them. You may be met with incredulity and get a response like, “So what happened to keeping it casual?” Well, I’m just a person! We caught feelings, now tell me if you’re down. If not, then this is where we part ways. Again, not an easy conversation, but it needs to be said.

Communication in casual dating is paramount to keeping it from falling off the rails. You need to be honest with yourself and make sure you’re entertaining a casual relationship because you genuinely want to and not because you’re running away from a difficult emotion. You keep telling yourself that “it’s fine?” It’s probably not. A casual relationship is a relationship, and like all relationships, it needs work. Hard work. Get your ass up and work. It’s like nobody wants to work anymore. But once you actually do the work and get in the swing of things, casual relationships start to become second nature to you. It takes patience and time, but trust me; casual relationships can be worth it. Just make sure you have an Uber waiting in case he tells you he loves you.

Yikes.