Kumusta Tita,

I’ve been single for such a long time. I am, what some might call, a serial monogamist. I date both men and women and everyone in between. I have had sex in every location that is known to human existence, and I feel like I have lived a thousand lifetimes to last me in this life.

But still I feel like something is missing. I have never been in love. Maybe I have and I just forgot it. I don’t know what it’s like to be in love. I feel like the thing missing in my life is a partner, but I wouldn’t know what that special forever-partner looks like or what I’m supposed to feel when I’m around them.

Sometimes I feel that there isn’t one for me, but I keep holding on to that feeling that there is that “one” for me. Do you believe in a soulmate, Tita? Is there such a thing as true love?

Warmly,

Someone’s Special Someone

Hey SSS,

First, you need to hear this: there is no fucking way in hell you have slept in every place in human existence. I can say this because you haven’t slept with me in my bedroom. Or have you…? Wait, call me.

Second, I will not give you a romantic answer. If that’s what you’re looking for, you clearly wrote to the wrong wrinkly puta. I am not going to tell you that “Oh yes, there is always someone for everyone mwah mwah mwah <3 <3 <3”

No.

Get this in your head right now: everything in life, even love, is temporary. Except for death and paying taxes. Yes, that’s right. Love doesn’t last forever. You will love someone. You will lose someone. And it’s going to suck. So the idea of a soulmate is absolutely ridiculous. Oh my god, can you even imagine having someone be there for you for the rest of your life and pretending you like each other until you die in each other’s arms a la Notebook? *gaaag*

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but this is the tea. A soulmate does not exist because you can’t possibly put that much pressure on a person. And do not expect someone to put that pressure on you. The idea that you’re made to be someone’s “other half” sounds like something Shakespeare found in a toilet and used that excrement to write his next sonnet. Yes, you are meant to be loved. Yes, you are meant to love other people. But the idea that someone can be your provider for all things physical, emotional, and mental is so gross. It almost makes me want to throw up the mimosa I drank before reading your letter.

Now, you said that you have been with a lot of people, and I love that journey for you. But out of all of the people you’ve ever been with, you’re also telling me that you’ve never had feelings for at least one of them? I don’t believe you. What is it about bisexuals that are constantly anxious about everything? I bet it’s the cuffed low-rise jeans. Your body’s too busy trying to keep your exposed ankles warm that the blood can’t reach your brain. Think back and think hard. There has to be at least one person that you dated that you had some genuine, caring feelings for. Someone that you wanted to take out to dinner and not just end up fucking. Someone that you wanted to talk to in the middle of the night just because you saw a meme on the internet and you desperately wanted to show them. Someone that you just had a pleasant fucking time with. That’s the kind of love most people think about when thinking of “true love.” Sucks that you lost them, though. But like I said. Shit’s temporary.

Now that being said, let’s go back to your second question: do I believe in true love? Well, to be honest, yes. True love does exist. I know, I know. Tita is being sentimental?! You would think with the amount of men I’ve literally eaten alive I wouldn’t know anything about true love. That’s where you’re wrong, sweety. I did love some of those men. I did have genuine feelings for some of them. Even if they were married and had children and I was just the weekend fling. Did it hurt me that I lost them? Of course! And I’m sure you may have felt that at some point too. But that doesn’t minimize the love that you had for them. Your experience with everyone that you’ve ever dated is your experience alone. You get to define what “true love” is. It could be the one that got away. It could be the one that left his underwear in under your bed. It could be the girl who you blocked out of fear of rejection for the next time you wanted to fuck. All of these experiences of love are valid and true. Do not define true love by something you read from a Nicholas Sparks novel. If I haven’t made it clear yet, I totally fucking hate that stupid ass gago. Get out of here with your “love is like the wind” bullshit.

Whenever we experience love in any form, we have to hold on to it for as long as we can because we don’t know when it will be taken away from us. But I think the fact that love is fleeting and temporary makes it all the more special and beautiful. When we know this we start to savour those moments of when their hair shines in the moonlight just before you call them that Uber. We can really start to appreciate the scent of his cheap cologne knowing he won’t call the next morning. Knowing that love won’t stay here makes it a more rewarding experience because we get to look back and see all the good that came out of it. Love gives us the gift of retrospect. We get to remember and learn and grow. But love also let’s us look forward to when it comes around again.

Don’t get stuck in waiting for your soulmate because they don’t exist. Nobody is going to complete you because you’re already a whole person. Don’t get stuck contemplating on whether or not true love exists because it does and it won’t overstay its welcome. Treasure it when it knocks on your doorstep. Who knows what our future looks like? Nobody does. Be here. Be present. Enjoy what we have while we still can.

Love sucks. But it won’t suck forever.

Mahal kita,

Tita Slut

P.S. I want you to watch this video of the late great Eartha Kitt talking about love and compromise. You might learn something from it.