So What Are We?
Kumusta Tita,
I've been going out with this guy for the last six months, and I think things are going really well. We go out and do so much together, and he shows me lots of affection and love. He even took me for a vacation to his family home. We met on Grindr, but we didn’t get a good start. Later we bumped into each other in the town’s grocery store, and we recognized each other and that’s how we started.
I deleted the app one month after we started dating; I hated it anyways. While I was cleaning our bed, I moved his phone and that’s how I found out he had still been using Grindr. I was destroyed when I asked him about it, and he told me he still uses it. I froze. I didn’t have the courage to ask him why or whatever, and I am still frozen.
I don't know what to think about this…
Signed,
Anxious Boyfriend
Hey Anxious,
Can I first say that I have never heard of a relationship that goes well when it starts with, “We met on Grindr.” As long time readers will know I hate that fucking cesspool of an app. However, you do get access to some good dick every now and then. So I guess it’s not all bad. I once read that you can use Grindr to replace all the other apps if you know how to use it well. I’ve seen someone get a ride, find a vocal coach, and have food delivered to them all on the same app. That’s Lyft, Task Rabbit, and Uber Eats all in one.
I also wanna know what you mean by him showing you lots of love and affection. What does that mean? Is he simply cuddling you and holding you hand in public? In that case, I’ll give him the Boyfriend of the Year Award in the category of Lowest Bar Ever. Does he fuck you really well? In which case, if you don’t feel so strongly for him, send him my way. Or could he be love bombing you? Is he overly showering you with gifts and talks of love and grandiose romantic acts. Red flag. Red flag!
I will also say that I’m very jealous you got a grocery store meet cute. Like that’s literally out of a fucking movie. If you didn’t live in a small town, I would not have believed you. I also wouldn’t believe you if you said things are going so well. Which you did. So they’re not. Clearly you’re writing to me for deranged advice.
I’m also a little confused as to how you were able to move in together so quickly within one month. You’re cleaning your shared bed? After a month?! Girl, dial it back a bit. Even a NASCAR racer would say you’re going too fast. Unless you mean you’re at his place cleaning his bed. In that case, that’s still too fast after a month. You’re dating. You’re not his housekeeper yet.
In any case, AB, I know the kind of thoughts running through your mind right now.
“I thought we were serious.”
“Doesn’t he love me?”
“Am I not attractive to him anymore?”
“Is he breaking up with me?”
All valid thoughts and emotions. But that’s just what they are. Emotions. Feelings are not facts. All you know so far is that he’s using Grindr. Also, you only found that out because you snooped through his phone, so really, who’s the bad guy here? Ignorance truly is bliss because I would have been so much happier not knowing if that had been me. But sounds like you in danger, girl.
Time for a reality check. It’s been six months. That’s not a lot of time to get to know someone. You’re still very much in the honeymoon phase and expect everything to be perfect and flawless. He’s made you feel some type of way with the amount of affection he’s shown you, so it’s both of your responsibilities to establish the parameters of your relationship. You both need to sit down and have that cliché “So what are we” conversation. It’s not going to be easy, AB, but it’s necessary.
Having relationship talks with someone you care about is really scary. You fear that they might leave you. They might dislike you for wanting something clear. They might resent you for voicing your desires. Well I’ve got some news for you, AB. Maybe if they can’t give you what you’re asking for, then they’re not the right guy for you.
On top of having the “what are we” conversation, you’re going to have to establish what constitutes as cheating. A mistake a lot of gays make is that we kind of just assume every relationship we’ll have with each other is an open relationship. Don’t get me wrong. I love an open relationship. I think everyone should be more open in their relationships. Polyamory is all the rage. I get that it’s not for everyone, and we’re all just built different. So if you’re built for monogamy, then sit down with your boyfriend and let him know what are the things that make you uncomfortable. Cheating could be something as harmless as looking at other men (if that’s the case, check your insecurities before you come for me). But cheating could also be something like still using hookup apps. Personally I don’t see the problem with having an app on your phone that serves to entertain you every now and then. But again, that’s me being more evolved than most people.
Difficult conversations are an important part of making any relationship work. Constantly checking in with each other to keep your relationship afloat might seem like a chore and a little unconventional, but so was Pimp My Ride and how ridiculous their accessories were. But they ended up with some pretty nice cars, albeit ludicrously impractical.
Mind you that the results of these conversations might not always be what you want. And that’s going to suck. But wouldn’t you rather find out sooner than later that he’s not the one for you because then you can make space for the one who is right for you. Wishing you all the best, AB. I’ll let you know if I ever see your man on my grid.
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
