Kumusta Tita Slut,

I am a 20-year-old, semi-newly out gay boy from a rural part of Butt Fuck Nowhere, America. Because of this, I don’t have much experience in dating. I have always been single and I have never been in a serious relationship. And if I’m being totally honest here, I’m still a virgin.

I’m currently trying my hands at online dating. Grindr, Scruff, Bumble, OKCupid…you name it, I’ve tried it. There’s so many shirtless photos and dick pics sent my way, but when I message back the only thing I’m getting is blocked. This dating scene in the gay world just seems a little too overwhelming, and I would really love it if I could just talk to some guy who didn’t see each other as a piece of meat.

Luckily I found a guy! I met him through Facebook dating, and I like him. Like, I reeeallllyyy like him. We’ve only matched for a few days, but I’m already getting such a good vibe from him. We have so much in common, and we can talk for hours as if no time has passed. One time we stayed up until 4am just talking about all the things we like about our favorite video games, what’s on our Netflix lists, and how he wants to meet me some day when this pandemic ends. I think he might be the one!

The only problem here, Tita, is that when I start to ask him some other questions besides the fun stuff like what’s his relationship like with his family or his coming out he gets evasive and does not want to share with me. I really want to get to know him, but how do I work with his shyness? What can I do to approach him and make him more comfortable or try to make him ask me some probing questions?

I really like this guy, Tita. I’m crushing hard. I just want to get to know the real him, y’know? I don’t know, I feel like I’m just rambling. But if you can help in any way, that would be great.

Sincerely,

Keeping Some Positivity

Hi KSP,

You know what’s funny? In Tagalog we call some people “KSP” because it stands for kulang sa pansin which literally means “desperately lacking attention” and it’s normally targeted at lonely singles and drama queens. Coincidence?

First of all, congrats on coming out. I’m so sure that being out of the closet is so much better than being in it, right? I’m pretty sure the gay men are much nicer now that you’re out, huh? Spoiler alert: all men, including the flaming ones, are trash. Sorry to tell you, kid. Men can be summed up as absolute dumpster fires with a wallet and an Adam’s apple. So before I continue, I want you to be sure that you wanna chase after this guy. If so, read on with caution.

Online dating can be so fun. You get to present yourself to the world in such a positive light that you can make people think you shit glitter. Sometimes I literally do after a Friday night at the Eagle. You get to see people’s best features, cutest smile, favourite vacation spots, and a whole bunch of other things that make you go doe-eyed for the dick. It’s great! It’s fun! I highly recommend people to try out online dating more often. But look here, KSP: you’re searching in the wrong place.

While online dating can be fun, how sure are you about this guy? I’m going by strictly what you wrote so the rest is up to my imagination. You prefaced your letter by saying how you’ve never been in a relationship, and that’s fine. Neither have I. At least in a biblical sense. That tells me you’re a little guppy looking to mate for life in a pool filled with male seahorses giving birth. I linked it so you have an image. Brace yourself. You told me that you’ve only known this guy for days, and now you’re falling for him? Wash the jizz of your hands, and get a grip, KSP. You’re not looking for love. In fact, I would even hazard to guess that you don’t know what love is because you’ve never been in a relationship, so you don’t know what it’s like to love another man. Now while that may sound kind of mean, you know it’s probably true.

Love is more than just the butterflies in your stomach when you see the green dot appear on HungMasc53’s profile. Love is not some fairy tale ending where your knight in shining armor carries you off in to the sunset and you live happily ever after in a suburban paradise with a white picket fence and a year-round green lawn. Love is not living it up in the Barbie dream house because you and Mr. Perfect agreed on the exact same wallpaper. Get that through your head right now. This hearkens back to that scene in 500 Days of Summer:

Love isn’t a lot of things. I’m not going to tell you what love is because no matter what I say, you’re not going to like it. But what I can tell you is that love is unique. Because love is an individual experience. Love means different things to different people. You need to find that out for yourself. You need to stop treating this mystery Facebook man as your one and only and treat him as exactly what he is: just a crush. Thank you Jennifer Paige for that 1998 banger.

Stop putting all your proverbial eggs in one metaphorical basket. There’s so many guys out there for you to date that aren’t total assholes. Among the droves of dick pics, headless torsos, and grey silhouettes, there are going to be decent men out there for you. Sometimes those decent men just happen to want to impregnate your bussy. And that’s fine! Let them! Have fun! Go and see the world. Party it up in the club. Catch an STI or two. I know I have! But that’s the fun of dating. The more you date, the more you know yourself. You’ll know more about what you want and what you don’t want. I understand that the prospect of finding love at the first try is exciting, but I don’t want you to mistake friendly genuine interest for something like serious passion and desire. Wouldn’t you be disappointed if I hyped up this nice bubbly only for you to taste shitty apple juice? I would throw hands! So I’m asking you to be more discerning in your wants and needs by going out on more dates and finding out your own desires. Don’t depend on this one guy. Have an adventure and go suck some cock. You may or may not choke on it, but at least you’ll know your limits. And Tita loves self discovery!

But even after you’ve read all this and you’re insistent on trying to date this man, good fucking luck. If he’s quiet and doesn’t wanna open up or have some vulnerable conversations, don’t forget that you’ve only just met. Ask him if there’s anything you can do to facilitate that conversation you want so that it’s easier for him, but don’t expect much because, to be quite honest, that’s a little too intimate for my taste. Respect his boundaries. Especially for someone you’re just getting to know online. Treat this crush as just another stranger you’re meeting on the street. You’re going to run in to a lot of strangers with funny stories, tragic backgrounds, busy lives, pain, wisdom, wealth, or even a life-threatening illness, but hopefully one of these strangers is stuffing a huge ham in between his Christmas tree trunk thighs and we wanna visit between the holidays. And if that’s not something you’re after…well, Tita’s available.

Mahal kita,

Tita Slut