How Do I Take Care of the Person That I Hate?
Kumusta Tita,
It's probably terrible to say that I wish my dad would just die... but for context he had cancer and had a laryngectomy, after 3 or 4 years he's still burning from radiation, dealing with headaches, doesn't like his body getting tired but also always overdoes it because he doesn't like sitting still... And if things aren't going 100% his way, he verbally abuses my mom and me and refuses to moderate his language around my daughter. For additional context, I took over the rent and bills when I moved in 4½ years ago because I was freshly separated and they were struggling to keep up, so "pack up and leave" isn't an option.
Mom has been slow to come around to the idea that she needs to cut him out of his life because she's also been his caregiver for years. She's finally starting to admit to the abuse and get fed up with it but still not to the point where she'll "let" me kick him out. I usually try to keep the peace, brush off his remarks, make him laugh so he gets in a better mood and stop with the rude comments. Tonight, while he knew I was trying to prevent a fight, he was...happily belligerent, I guess? He made a one-off comment about how I ought to get the MPOX vaccine because of "all the places I've been." This is in reference to 3 weeks ago I ended a ho phase that was still sexually safe, and haven't had sex in 2 weeks, so he's just talking out of his ass. I’m struggling to brush it off. He’s my dad and I love him, but I hate him. I don’t know how to reconcile my emotions.
How do I take care of the person that I hate?
Sincerely,
Struggling Adult Child
Hey SAC,
Are you familiar with the show Bojack Horseman? If you are, then you know what I’m about to reference. If you don’t, here’s a clip that hearkens to your situation.
Bojack is a character that I look to for comfort, not because he’s a hero, but because he’s flawed. Bojack Horseman portrays the adult human experience so well because of its simplicity and raw depiction of the reality of adult emotional pain.
When he talks about his abusive dad’s book, Bojack says he never read it because “why would I give him that?”
Oof. That’s so cunty, Bojack.
The relationship we have with our parents is complicated at any age. It doesn’t matter what part of the world you’re from or what culture you’re brought up with. That is a fact of life. It is complicated, it changes, and it’s hard. I can’t imagine, SAC, what it’s like to grow up with a dad who has been verbally abusive to you like yours has been. What I can empathize with is growing up with a father who never fully understood me causing decades of emotional instability and turmoil.
How do we look at our parents, the guardians of our lives, the providers, the saviours, the heroes, and watch them age and simply be human? As kids we look to our parents as our go-to for everything. We see them as gods. But when gods fall off their throne, what do we do with the massive disappointment that overcomes us? What do we do with the realization that our parents, who we can love, can also be the most detestable people?
As our bodies change, so do our relationships; so does the way we view the world; so does the way we relate to people. At a certain point in our lives as children, we stop becoming children that need parents. We never stop becoming their child, but we reach a point where we no longer need to be parented. It is at that point where the relationship between parent and child needs to evolve. You are no longer a child, and they are no longer your parents. You are now adults and you have to relate to each other as such.
Look at how your friendships are as adults. How do you nurture them? How do you let them grow? The friends we make as adults need a little more care and effort compared to when we were kids because we don’t have the safety net of the hallowed halls of high school to force us to bond with each other. As adults, we need to make an effort to connect and relate. Our relationship with our parents is no exception. If an adult has come to you with behaviours that are not necessarily cash money, then we have to make some boundaries here, diva.
Your dad may be a piece of shit, but your dad is also a person. I hate to fucking say it because look at who you’re talking to. I’m Queen Cunt. I revel in the misery of those I see beneath me. It makes my skin clearer. But your dad is a person who is also going through it. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow. And trust me, I’ve had my fair share of swallowing something hard. But the guy’s got cancer. That’s a hell of a karmic punishment if I’ve ever heard one. I’m not saying you need to bend the knee and kiss his ring. What I am saying is that there needs to be a clear definition of showing love and respect.
Yeah, your dad may be an asshole, but he’s still deserving of quality care. We’re not gods, and we don’t get to play with human lives, much to my chagrin. You could simply let him suffer and let the cancer take over his body. But you sound like a decent guy, SAC. And so does your mom. You both deserve peace. I know that can be hard right now given your situation. So it’s up to you to find peace within yourself. That means prioritizing your well-being and your mental health. Keep your peace and draw those boundaries.
Much respect for all the healthcare providers who constantly face the abuse of patients who throw a tantrum. You guys are holding down the fort out there and it must be hard not to want to punch back.
Respect for your parents doesn’t mean you have to respond to their every whim. To me, it means making it known where your limits are and putting your foot down. You cannot let him talk to you that way. Make it known that his behaviour is unacceptable. He has to earn your respect. I do hope your dad is capable of seeing you eye to eye so you can hopefully have a more civil household. While packing up and leaving may not be an option, it might have to be the last straw. I hope it doesn’t come to that.
Focus on what you can control, SAC. Focus on positive things in your life and let your dad be an afterthought. But of all the most difficult things to do while your piece of shit father is still here, the most difficult is forgiveness.
While you can set your boundaries and give him care, all that will be for nothing if you can’t forgive. What that looks like to you will depend on you, SAC. I think forgiveness might be the key to reconciling all your difficult emotions for him so you can move on and hopefully improve the quality of your relationship. It’s not going to be easy, but it is important.
If it’s any consolation, your dad will get what’s coming to him.
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
