Kumusta Tita Slut,

I’ve been seeing this boy for a little over a month now. We met through Grindr because I’m desperate. I need to find quality men, but out there is slim pickings. Thanks Ms. Rona. Out of the deluge of torsos and faceless profiles, he was the one that stood out. Thank Goddess that he’s a decent guy! He makes a decent living as a marketing executive for a restaurant chain and he lives in a penthouse apartment and he loves his mom. He is the total package and more. And yes, tita, we kept social distancing on our first date. We have come to the stage in our relationship where we want to have sex. We are both negative for everything and we agreed that we’re only seeing each other. Here is where it gets tricky, tita. We’re both tops. I have bottomed maybe once or twice in my 23 years of life, and let’s just say the basement was a little more than flooded. I desperately wanna bottom for him, but I’m scared that if we don’t have sex I’m gonna lose the only decent guy I’ve met in years. What do I do? Try bottoming again? Or just forget this relationship completely? Any advice will help.

Love,

Tight and Nervous

Hi Tight and Nervous,

First, what the fuck are you doing on Grindr? We are in the middle of a pastrami! Get off that now. I am sure you will find other quality guys in better places. I heard of this bar called Scruff? Give that a shot. Second, thank you for trusting me with such intimate details, sweetheart. You have come to the right place as I have so much experience in dealing with men and their shit. Thirdly, does Mr. Restaurant have a brother?

I also want to call you out on your fear of losing him because you think you won’t be able to have sex. Sis, shut the hell up. Two tops can have sex without penetration, and sex should not be the defining activity to solidify a relationship. Clearly the gays have brainwashed you with all their poppers, but Tita does not have time to unpack this much luggage.

If you’re going to be a bottom, be a good and dedicated bottom. This means that you’re going to have to use everything at your disposal to clean out your disposal. This will require lots of planning on both you and Daddy McDondald’s. You will need to have a clean diet at least a day before having anal sex. I like to eat lots of food loaded with fiber like salads, whole grains, okra, and raw nuts. I can’t think of any other way to have nuts. Avoid food like beef and pizza and beans. How Jake Gyllenhaal took it up the ass from Heath Ledger is still a mystery to me.

Next step is to douche and make sure to douche well. This will take time so get comfortable, put on some music, light a scented candle, probably 5 candles, and relax. Get yourself a good quality douche. Fleet is a great one that you can buy at your local drug store. Twitter fully knew what they were doing with that feature, huh? Go to your local sex shop and ask for the thing that squirts water up your ass. My personal favourite is the shower douche. It attached on to your shower head so it’s quick and efficient; words that my last boyfriend used to describe me. This is going to take time because you need to douche as many times as you can until the water runs clear. No, not brownish or yellowish. CLEAR! As in what the doctors say before they shock the shit out of you. If it’s not clean enough to drink, then sorry anak, you’re not bottoming tonight.

Okay, you’ve behaved with the food, you’ve cleaned your ass so thoroughly that I can see my reflection in the rose bud. When you wanna take it up the poop chute, remember these three cardinal rules of anal: relaxation, communication, and lubrication. You need to relax and breathe because if you’re tense, well guess what? So is your asshole. Get King Burger to massage your cheeks and play with it a bit. Since you’re the bottom, you WILL feel a lot of sensations because the asshole has a “shit ton” of nerves. If it feels too tight, say it. If it feels like he needs to go slow, say it. You and Pizza Hottie will learn to love vocalizing your needs which will make for better sex. Last but not least, use, and I cannot stress this enough, lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of fucking lube. You can never use too much lube.

If all else fails, just tell him his cock is too huge like a baby arm holding an apple and say you don’t think you can do it tonight. Anyway, hope this helps you, hun. Tita needs to visit Scruff and find herself pet dog because I heard they have lots of puppies there.

Mahal Kita,

Tital Slut