Kumusta Tita Slut,

My wife and I are in our mid 30s. We’re happily married, and our second anniversary is coming up. I love her so much, and I will do anything for her. Except tell her the truth of what I did before our marriage.

Back when were still boyfriend and girlfriend, I was still going out to parties and casually flirting with lots of girls. Nothing ever came of it. But there was one party where things went south a little.

I made the wise decision of drinking through a funnel and got a little too drunk to handle. I could still maintain my balance, but my guard was down for sure. This other girl was at the party, and honestly Tita, you should have seen how hot she was.

Basically, one thing lead to another…I’m pretty sure you can guess what happens next. The sex was so good, so we decided to see each other a few times a month. I would make some excuse to hang out with the bros, but really I would drive to her place. That all stopped when I got married and I had to break it off with Party Girl.

During our wedding, our vows went something along the lines of “complete transparency and total honesty.” To this day I can’t stop thinking about that girl and how much I enjoyed it. Now that I’m married, it feels kind of gross to the point where I’m losing sleep.

Do I tell her? Or should I just keep this a secret since it’s ancient history?

Yours truly,

Partying In Georgia

Hey there P.I.G.,

You’re such a fucking PIG, you know that!? Good thing you chose that as your signature because you’re disgusting! You’re gross! How the fuck could you do that to a girl like her! How could you betray her! She gave you the best years of her life! Why I should have the honor of chopping your balls off! FUCKING PIG!

Okay…now that’s out of the way, let’s get in to it. I hope you enjoyed the preview of what could happen if you tell her. I surely enjoyed coming up with that in my head. Much cheaper than therapy. Your hypothetical wife in my imagination is right though. How could you do that? Well, let’s start from the beginning.

There’s this book called Sex At Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá which talks about how back when humans were hunters and gatherers, we shared everything: food, property, resources, and even sexual partners. Can you imagine how wild orgies must have been to have Bob from Accounting casually stick a finger in your ass while his other hand was taking rock inventory? Amazing. Anyways, the point of the book is that back then we were not really monogamous and that craving other partners is part of human nature. It doesn’t say we should cheat or that we should be monogamous. It just says that this happened in history, and it’s completely natural because it’s designed within human nature. Do what you will with that information.

Jumping forward a few years to your predicament, I have a couple ways where you can go about this. So sit down, nut up, and shut up, you pig. Sorry. Last time, promise.

First answer is that you gotta be easier on yourself. Having a girlfriend/wife is okay. Having this desire to fuck other people is also okay. Being monogamous or polyamorous are both equally valid relationship styles. What’s not okay is that you’re sitting with this feeling of dishonesty that’s literally keeping you up at night. I would rather have something else keeping me up at night, if you know what I mean ;) But seriously, you have to find some way to take it easy and find closure; whatever that looks like to you. This closure could mean that you have to confess. You owe it to her and to yourself to be honest. You might not like how she reacts, but that’s the reality of the feeling of betrayal. At least after the dust settles you can sit alone at home with your hand in your pants with a clear conscience and a tan line around your ring finger. But hey, hello beauty sleep! The bottom line is that you wear your big boy pants and talk about it like adults. Her feelings and emotions if/when you break the news to her are valid, and you have to face the consequences. Heads up though: if she does storm out and get all pissy, get ready for a beatdown. If for whatever reason she decides to stay, I know a good marriage counselor. Also, send her my way. I need a drinking buddy.

The second is to not say a word at all. I don’t care if it eats you up. Deal with it in therapy because I’m not paid enough to deal with this heavy emotional bullshit. If you love her as much as you say you do, you’ll do everything in your power to keep your marriage in tact. That includes shutting the fuck up. Zip. Zilch. Zero. If you think that confessing your indiscretions will make things better, then go for it and hope for the best. I can just tell you from experience that it almost never ends the way you want it to. I should know. I slept with so many men thinking they were gonna spend the rest of their lives with me. What part of “will fuck you for spare change” did they not understand? If this is the route you wanna go, then keep quiet. Forever. Did you guys even talk about what cheating looks like? For all you know, you didn’t do anything wrong and you could have been cheating simply by looking at another woman. That’s the problem with a lot of couples these days. They don’t talk about what kind of relationship they’re getting in to. Are you open? Are you monogamous? Are you looking for a third? Would that third look like me, by any chance? You can rationalize this by saying that you weren’t aware that fucking other people was cheating. She may not like what she hears and she’ll repeat every single obscenity in the history of the English language, but that’s kind of the truth. Couples need to talk about what cheating looks and does not look like. Even couples in open relationships can be victims of cheating. If you want to spare yourself a whole lot of hurt, then shut it. Bury it so far in the deepest, darkest depths of your brain until it grows roots and develops in to stunted emotions that will cost you thousands of dollars in therapy. At least you kept your wife happy!

Confess. Don’t confess. Whatever you choose, make sure it’s good for you and your relationship. This is why I stick to wine and cigarettes. They’re good for me and they’ll never cheat on me. Regardless of what my cardiologist says. That asshole thinks he knows everything just because he has a medical degree. Clearly he hasn’t found the joy of smelling the cork of a pinot grigio in the morning.

Anyways, as this one local drag queen said, good luck! And don’t fuck it up.

Mahal kita,

Tita Slut