Chains and Whips Excite Me
Kumusta Tita,
I’ve been curious to explore my kink side for a really long time. I’m in a committed relationship now with someone who I love very much but isn’t into kink at all. I’ve asked if he’d feel comfortable with me exploring with someone else, and he said no. Would it be terrible to try and find someone to help me explore this? I don’t want to keep feeling like I’m missing out on a part of me that has been there for so long.
Signed,
Craving Kink
Hey CK,
I’m gonna say something that will probably make you uncomfortable, so brace yourself.
Maybe it’s time to dump his ass.
Kidding. Don’t do that. Or do. But read the rest of what I have to say.
With any relationship comes compromise and communication. We need to be open to talking about everything from paying the bills, doing our share of chores, and even our own sexual needs and desires. The last one is fundamentally human and part of who we are. We cannot separate ourselves from our sexuality, and we can’t repress it. You’ve probably seen all those true crime documentaries about crimes of passion. You’ve seen what a repressed sexuality can do to a person. It’s not pretty. I don’t want to see you end up on Dateline all because you couldn’t get spanked a little.
In your partner’s defense, I understand monogamy. It’s not for me, but I understand it. There’s safety in fidelity and security in knowing that you’re the only one for me, or whatever Nicholas-Sparks-type bullshit there is. However, I do think it’s unrealistic for someone to be your everything. I think that’s a lot of pressure to put on a person. If someone were to depend on me to meet all of their needs and wants, I would rather chew on rusty nails because the pain of the impending infection would probably hurt less than the knowledge of me having to check all his boxes.
You’ve communicated your needs to him, and that’s already great on your part. He’s not willing to bend to help you meet your needs, and he’s even more unwilling to let you find another person that matches your needs. Not cute. You’ve got yourself a classic prisoner’s dilemma.
If you’re not going to read the article, here’s a quick TLDR:
Imagine there are two suspects, A and B, who have been arrested for a crime. The police do not have enough evidence to convict them of the main charge, but they suspect that they are both guilty of a lesser offense. The suspects are held in separate cells and cannot communicate with each other.
The prosecutor offers each suspect a deal:
If both suspects cooperate and stay silent (cooperate-cooperate), they will each be convicted of the lesser offense and receive a sentence of 1 year in prison.
If one suspect stays silent while the other confesses (cooperate-defect), the one who stays silent will receive a sentence of 10 years, and the one who confesses will be set free.
If both suspects confess (defect-defect), they will each receive a sentence of 5 years in prison.
In your case, CK, you’ve decided to directly address a problem in the relationship. Your partner is unwilling to meet you half way (cooperate-defect). What may end up happening is that you could feel unsupported and frustrated while he disengages and avoids taking responsibility for any ruptures in the relationship.
The ideal scenario would be cooperate-cooperate. He would have to bend a little and try experimenting kink with you. If he's absolutely not comfortable with that, you should be allowed to seek out other partners who do meet your needs. That's going to take a very difficult conversation and some time to reassess how your relationship looks and evolves. It will involve a lot of trust and negotiation and thorough communication. And if even that won't solve the problem, I’m sorry to say, but it may be time to part ways. In which case, give me a call and I can help you out 😉
However you both decide to change the relationship, I hope you both get your needs met. Interdependence should always be prioritized over codependency. That means your needs go above anyone else's.
But I'm serious though; if you need to be choked a little, give me a call.
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
