Kumusta Tita Slut,

My boyfriend of 3 years just broke up with me. I thought he was the one after creating the life that we had together. I even thought of proposing to him at some point. He wanted to end things because apparently he just stopped loving me, and that hurt to hear.

I’m trying my best to keep a level head, but nothing seems to be working. I’m part of the “gaymer” community, so I like to play video games with other gay men online. I tried using that as a way to distract myself, but I’m quite bad and none of my friends want to play with me for too long. I tried going on the app that shall not be named to find a gentleman caller for the night. While I am successful in getting someone to have sex with me, I immediately regret it. I’m not sure why I regret that either because I love sex. But the regret I feel is just too much, so I decided to uninstall the app. I can’t help but feel empty without him. I want to move on, but I also want him to hurt the way he hurt me. I don’t want to forget about him, but I also want him to suffer a most painful death.

What do I do, Tita?

Signed,

Heart Broken

Hi HB,

Gay men are infuriating, aren’t they? They think that they’re so great and they’re sooOOooO beautiful like they have the world in the palm of their hands. They can just date anyone they wish and have any guy they want and throw us away like an overused cumrag. But don’t worry. One day they’ll pay. They’ll all pay! I’ll make sure that your ex boyfriend mysteriously ends up in a boating accident. I know a few people that can make that happen. Tita’s here. I got you.

Is that what you wanted to hear? Did you want me to hold your hand and tell you everything is going to be okay? Do you feel better now that you’re imagining his fictional ideal death scenario? I doubt it.

Listen here, HB. You and the rest of the gays are so dramatic and the main reason why I have drinking problems. But also thank you for giving me a reason to wake up to an inbox full of the same tired complaints that keep me entertained and maintain my clear beautiful all natural skin tone. I understand that it sucks how he broke up with you. It’s super fucking shitty that he just up and left you in the dirt like that, but allow me to pose a question: do you even want to move on? Lots to unpack here so hold on tight.

In this house, we can say Grindr. It’s not a bad word. We’re not in Harry fucking Potter. I think Grindr is great, and I use it all the time to laugh at the headless torsos thinking a simple “hey” would get me in to bed with them. But if you’re using Grindr to have sex with strangers in a futile attempt to heal from the hurt, then seriously get off Grindr. Sex can be healing and sex can be a great source of happiness. From what it sounds like, you’re bringing along extra baggage in to the bedroom, and that’s not fair for the other guys you’re fucking. The last time I fucked a man with daddy issues, he cried in the middle of me cumming in his ass because I apparently reminded him of the love he never received from his own father. It was so sad I almost wanted to pay for his next therapy session. Instead I paid for his Uber which is kind of the same as therapy if the driver is blabby enough. I highly recommend that you ease up on the sex until you have fully healed from the trauma that is your broken heart. And I’m guessing that’s where I come in.

First, can I just point out how much I love gaymers? You’re all so cute with your headsets and Twitches and colour lights like you are putting on a whole production for a bunch of people who you will never meet in your entire life. That’s basically a drag queen. Respect. Second, I think you need to find better friends who don’t mind you sucking at video games. If they don’t want to play with you because you suck, well truth be told, they suck. Find a circle of friends who are able to help you reconnect with your authentic self. Get yourself a “boo hoo crew” that can remind you all about the joys in life and what makes you want to get up in the morning and when you look in the mirror you can see the sun shine out of your ass. Friends should be there to help you and support you even in times of need. Find that crew that gets your ass up, takes you out dancing, or indulges you in the things that you want to do even if it’s just to sit around and eat ice cream and cry for an hour. For the record, I’m just saying what I think should be a good friend considering I’m not a good friend. I drink and love to be by myself on good days. I’m just guessing what a good friend shouldn’t do based on the exact opposite of what I’m currently doing. I would never do what good friends do. So don’t call me.

I also wanna bring up that what he did is shitty, and you’re allowed to feel all sorts of anger and confusion because who the fuck just breaks up with you and says they no longer love you? He’s a coward, HB. Something is definitely up, or what the kids call “sus.” I hope that you don’t take his reason for breaking up with you as a reflection of who you are as a person. Although, you decided to message me so I’m not exactly sure how sane you are when seeking advice from an old lady with five divorces and an unresolved substance abuse problem. Or rather, problems. But I digress. Please know that you are still worthy of love even if you’ve got an empty part of you that needs filling. Most definitely pun intended. Remember that you are a complete person and that he was not there to serve as some missing puzzle piece. Yeah, you should grieve the loss of a lover, but do not let this define you. You’re a whole person with experiences and stories and a rich and colorful background that should be shared with someone who cares about you the way you care about them.

Lastly, I know that you want to get some sort of revenge. “Why do you get to hurt me and walk away like nothing ever happened?” I and a million other people understand this feeling. But what do you gain out of paying me to make his death look like an unfortunate cream of mushroom accident at the third aisle of a Trader Joe’s? You’re hoping for karma to do its thing so that you get some form of justice. I’ll tell you right now that it’s never going to happen. Emotions born out of pain and trauma fueled by a need for vengeance will rarely ever work in your favour. You ever get so frustrated from constipation that you give it one big push and end up leaving a mess on your bathroom floor? Yeah, it’s kind of like that.

If you truly want some form of restorative justice combined with the healing power of moving on, buy some wood, build yourself a cute little bridge, and get the fuck over it. Find yourself a therapist, get some friends to help you reconnect with yourself, and go outside and touch some grass. It may seem like the end of the world right now, HB. Showing him that you’ve moved on and that you’re living your life unaffected by the hurt he’s caused can be the sweetest revenge of them all. Once you’re able to look back on this relationship with righteous indifference, only then can you reinstall Grindr and fill up that empty feeling you’ve been longing to fill.

Mahal kita,

Tita Slut