Kumusta Tita,

I’ve been having trouble reconciling my desire to have sex and my body image issues. I know this issue is not unique and that everyone is going through their own body issues, but here is my situation.

I love sleeping with guys. Big guys, skinny guys, muscular guys, all guys. I’m a slut just like you. I guess I attract guys of all types and backgrounds, and that’s fine. But recently something has been bothering me. I’m currently chatting with two different guys on Gr*ndr and they both want two different things from me. I should mention that I am a very hair guy thanks to my Greek parents. One guy wants to fuck me because he loves the body hair on me, but the other guy wants to fuck me because of how much muscle I have except he’s not that turned on by my body hair. He wants me to shave it all off before we can even have sex.

I really want to fuck them both, but also am I wrong for thinking that I should shave because some guy told me to do so? Is it a bad thing to be so easily influenced by some random man’s perception of me?

I know this sounds like a silly question, and yes I’m aware of who I am writing to so give me your worst. You would think at 28 years old I would have learned my lesson by now.

Sincerely,

Hairy Hole

Hi Hairy,

I get that you want to fuck men. I truly do. As someone who has fucked the equivalent of the United Nations, there is no one more qualified to give you such accurate and caring advice than me.

Sorry, but I can’t even type that with a straight face let alone say it.

Being at peace with your body is such a weird process. We’re told by all the fashion magazines or music videos that we have to look a certain way in order for us to be sexy. You have to be muscular, but not too muscular. You have to be skinny, but not too skinny. You also have to have a fat ass, but…well, there’s no but. Just butt. Butts are awesome. Although if you don’t have one, I suggest you go fix that. There’s no excuse for you to be assless.

Ass situation notwithstanding, “body positivity” or whatever you want to call it, is strange. Why do I have to love my body? Why do I have to accept that I look this way? We’re doing all of this upkeep for literally nothing! Do you think it’s going to matter how ripped you are or how much hair you have when you’re six feet under? No! Personally I have gone through every single diet and workout routine you can think of. Keto diet? I think you mean all you can eat beef. A Peloton bike? Are you referring to my very expensive coat rack? It’s a whole process and it’s weird and wild and crazy. One thing is certain: nobody can tell you how to care for your body, and nobody should tell you.

Having two different men want to fuck you because of your body looks like is what I want to call a good problem. The last time I was faced with this dilemma was being in the middle of a bukkake and not having enough holes and limbs to accommodate the entire party. It’s not my fault they didn’t make a reservation. I’m only one person! Two different guys, two different aspects of you that they’re attracted to. That’s literally the gayest problem if I’ve ever heard one. If I’m going to be fetishized because of what I look like, then I might as well use it to my advantage and get myself some good dick because we all know that good dicks comes in short supply these days. If they want to fuck you, then by all means do it! But don’t start changing yourself because they want to fuck you. Can you even imagine?! Changing yourself for a man? You said you’re 28? What are you, a child bride? Stop changing yourself for the male gaze and the male gays. They are literally not worth it!

No amount of words or self-help blogs or advice columns is going to change your mind because really, at this point, you just wrote to me because you’re seeking validation for a choice that I know you’ve already made. You’ve probably shaved your hair because a man told you so. Whatever, you do you. But I want you to remember that you’re allowed to live in the skin, or in this case, hair that you live in. If somebody has a hard time accepting your body, then that’s their issue. Tell them to find a good therapist. Be at peace with your own body, and don’t listen to me or to some guy on Gr*ndr or to anyone else for that matter because only you, Hairy, can go on that journey of appreciating your body.

That doesn’t just apply to body hair. Apply it to your body shape, your skin blemishes, your facial features, literally anything that belongs to you. Start appreciating your body for doing what it does. I appreciate my pussy for being able to open so wide and still retain its elastic foundation. I would even go so far as to describe my pussy as if a rubber band and a Venus flytrap had a baby so that it made the ultimate dick munching machine. I appreciate my pussy for all its abilities known and unknown.

There’s nothing wrong with a little vanity here and there. I just don’t want you to start changing your appearance to make someone else happy, especially if that someone is a man. You’re allowed to change your appearance and do a little bit of grooming so long as it makes you happy. Build muscle, get a fat belly, buy that tattoo. Do all of these things for you and nobody else because nobody else is more important than you. And if all else fails, there is such a thing as Nair. Fuck the guy that’s in to hair, wax yourself, then fuck the second guy. News flash: hair grows back. I don’t know how much hair you have, but that’s a thing hair does these days.

Also, send me a shirtless photo. Trying to see something. For research.

Mahal kita,

Tita Slut