I Blame Mom and Dad
Kumusta Tita,
I met a wonderful guy, and we’ve been going out for a few months now. He’s got a great job, he fucks well, and he knows how to make me laugh. Basically the perfect boyfriend on paper.
My problem, Tita, is that I think this is all too good to be true. I’ve been with guys like him. They’re all the same. They’ll woo you one day, but suddenly drop you like disposable tissue the next. I have this itch that I need to text him between dates to make sure he’s still in to me, but I fight it because I don’t want to seem clingy, or I don’t want it to hurt too much when he dumps me. Like I’m pre-emptively emotionally distancing myself.
I know it’s not fair to him for me to show up to this relationship inauthentically, but I’m just trying to watch out for myself. I also love being in love with a great guy who makes me happy. How do I trust it, Tita? How do I trust love when love has done me so wrong so many times in the past?
Signed,
Anxiously Attached
Hello AA,
My dear, sweet child.
Did you go to your parents for comfort only for them to also be the one to cause you pain? You cry, mom hugs you, then spanks you when you misbehave? Just a wild guess.
I got you, AA. Come to Tita.
First, I wanna thank you for signing with your attachment style. I don’t mean to be rude, but that is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. I should start signing my work emails with all my mental illnesses.
“Regards, Generalized Anxiety Disorder”
I personally think that attachment styles hold some truth, but not the whole truth. They can definitely give us some insight in to how we view relationships, our upbringing, and how we see the world, but I don’t think our attachment style has to define us. We all wanna be secure at some point, right? Right?! RIGHT?!?!?!
So you actually need to go to therapy to fix that. As much as I love the thought of sitting there listening to people’s problems and get paid to listen while actually giving no helpful advice, Tita genuinely cares about you and would like you to seek professional help.
But if you’re going to follow my example and stay messy and refuse to go to therapy, well read on.
For one thing you’re fighting the hallmark behaviour of the anxiously attached. You’re resisting the urge to text incessantly. Anxiously attached people constantly need to know that their boo is accessible because of a fear that they’ll go away. There’s a natural uncertainty when it comes to relationships especially if you’re not within close proximity of each other. You need validation!!!!
But let Tita be a devil’s advocate for a hot minute. Why does it become your boo’s responsibility to soothe your anxiety? Why are your feelings dependent upon their actions? Hmm? Oof. Do you need some water for those hard-to-swallow pills?
Honestly, I get it, girl. Emotional permanence can feel like a real thing. You know how object permanence is like when you know something exists even if you can’t see it? Like when the stage is covered by a curtain? Emotional permanence is like when you believe that person’s affection only when you’re in the presence of it. If you don’t feel it you start to act out and look for ways to find that comfort. Almost like a little kid. Oof, I’m on a roll.
Okay, time for practical advice. Verbal affirmations are nice if you have the courage to ask him for it. “Babe, can you tell me you love me?” LMAO could never be me, but good luck to you. Another good method is to collect tangible things that remind you that love is real. Love notes, cards, hair clippings, whatever you can physically touch to serve as a reminder that he still loves you.
But here’s the catch: what if they’re not there to tell you they love you? What if you lose those object reminders? What then? Well this is where the therapeutic work comes in. Build your sense of self worth. Remind yourself that love comes from within. The person that needs to love you first and always first is yourself. This way when you’re feeling unworthy of love, you’re able to remind yourself that you are actually loved.
This is hard, and this will not happen overnight, and this will certainly not be solved by some drunk Tita on a shitty advice column. You need to give yourself daily reminders that you’re worthy of love. You are a kind and loving person that spreads love as much as I spread my legs.
I know RuPaul is annoying, but that thing she says at the end of every episode is true. Give yourself grace, babe. And seriously, find a therapist.
Mahal kita,
Tita Slut
