Kumusta Tita Slut,

I’m curious about whether you have any experiences with straight male crossdressing partners in your own sexual lifetime. I’m one of the examples of this sexual genre group and seek some advice on how to more actively engage my wife in my proclivities and sexual desires. She is open and welcoming to my idiosyncrasies but, over time, her enthusiasm has cooled. She has told me that she feels like my dressing and subsequent arousal have nothing to do with her. I really want to make it a more mutual event. Can you help?

Sincerely,

Nancy Nylons

Hey Nancy,

Straight people are so fascinating to me. I’ve always wondered about how the mechanics of sex between a man and a woman. Truly a wild concept. Heterosexuality notwithstanding, Tita is here to try to be helpful.

Back in my escorting days, I had straight-identifying male clients who would want me to fuck them while they dressed in femme clothing. My inner monologue would go something like, “Straight?" Yeah, okay. Whatever floats your boat, bud.” Externally I would say, “Cash up front.” I wouldn’t really question why they wanted to dress up as women mostly because I felt like it was none of my business what’s going on inside their head. I was there to provide a service, not be their therapist. I would have to fill in the blanks myself. And just like my clients, I feel as if I have to fill in the blanks in your question too. I’m assuming that you cross dress only when in the bedroom, so I’m going to keep my answers in that context.

First, you can’t really force your wife in engaging with your kinks. Sorry, Nancy. That’s just how people work. If she was fine with it at first, that’s awesome. But if it’s over time, then something must have shifted in her life or her sexual values have changed. As someone who identifies as a doorknob (i.e., everyone gets a turn), I do have to be turned in a specific way to get me to open the door. I used to be able to unlock with ease and grace; nowadays you need to jiggle the lock a little bit and push with some force as the gears have rusted over time. The same could be said about your wife. Her values and turn-ons may have shifted. People get bored and want new things. It could be any number of reasons that she’s no longer interested. Have that conversation with her and see what’s really going on.

Now if the problem really lies in how she feels like she’s not included in your arousal then make it glaringly obvious to her and say that you’re there to engage in your kinks and she is the only one you’re comfortable enough to do that with. That takes a lot of fucking courage to be vulnerable like that! Without her your pleasure would not be possible. It seems like she feels left out of the sexual equation, so it sounds like what she needs is a form of reassurance. Have you asked her what she needs in order to feel more wanted and more intimately connected? In what ways does she feel secure in your marriage? Reinforce the fact that you are in this marriage because you both feel comfortable enough in the fact that you can be this intimate with only each other.

Quick side note to the wife: bestie, I get it. It’s like, “Does he even need me to be there?” And the answer is yes. I don’t hear a lot of straight married men that are able to do this kind of thing and their wives openly accept it like you have. You go, Glen Coco! Ask yourself why you’re feeling this way. What’s this isolated emotion trying to tell you? This emotion needs something, and only you can answer it. Tell your hubby what it needs!

If you both need to make it a more mutual event ask each other what you both need in order to enjoy the whole experience. What do you need from your wife, and what does your wife need from you? The beautiful thing I see in marriages with kinksters is that they have found another person who will wholeheartedly accept their spouse in spite of this “alternative lifestyle.” There’s always this reassurance I see where they say to each other, “I accept you and all of you; even the fists and whips and the limited use kitchenware” with their eyes or something along those lines. I guess even you straight people need to come out of some sort of closet. You couldn’t leave that to the gays, could you? Hmph! When you do get the answer, don’t forget to thank each other. “Thank you for letting me know what you need and for being strong enough with me to share that scary thought.” Ugh, nothing makes me hornier or feel more included than when he says “Thanks for sharing this experience with me.” I would rather have that in my hear than his dry tongue. Don’t ask.

Marriages are a lot of work. Personally I’m against it. Mostly because I’m lazy and hate work. Sounds like the work you both need to do is communicate what your emotions’ needs are and how the other person can provide. More importantly, how you can contribute to your own pleasure and engaging with the other spouse’s pleasure. I’m gonna end this with a quote from Maddy Morphosis, a Drag Race girl. I’m paraphrasing here, but she said something like, “Society tells us that there’s different ways to be gay, but nobody tells you there’s different ways to be straight.”

Take what you will from that. Now go out, cross dress, and fuck until you’re numb!

Mahal kita,

Tita Slut

P.S. Nancy Nylons is a great drag name. I’m taking it. Thanks.